Sooo... It's been a little while, well maybe a long while. A whole lot has happened in this year to date... Some really good stuff, and some bad to go along with it. I guess I'm kind of doing a recap of it all, because I'm just not really into the whole online thing as much.

I don't know what the next few months hold... There's a lot of opportunities out there, and life is good... I have committed myself as much as I can to a job that I've been putting off for about 6 months now. Anyway... I've done everything in my power and I'm just waiting. I've been told it will take a while, for clearances and all of that to go through, but once they do, I'll be on my way to a whole new realm. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time... My heart is in the missions field, and that's where I want to be... I think this job will give me some skills and contacts to further my use in a support role for the people in the field that really need it! I'm scared I might get stuck in the rut of settling down, because that's not what I want at all... I'm not interested in being a "normal guy" I'm interested in adventure, danger, and helping people along the way! I've been reading John Eldredge's "Wild at Heart" again... I read it every couple of years, so I don't forget... It's easy to forget things in the world that we live in. I forget my reason for living almost on a daily basis. That's pretty sad, but mostly lame! JP was talking about forgiveness on Wed night in the combined junior high/ high school class... He said that forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do, but it's key in moving on, and fighting the battles that are to be next... I put my own spin on that statement, he did not say the part about it being key to fighting the battles to come... John Eldredge say that a lot though... The statement in its entirety is true though. I guess that's my issue, I haven't forgiven myself, and God will only forgive you like you forgive others, including yourself. The hard part is... I feel guilty when I try and let go of the past. I feel like it's not my place, that I have to remember, even though all the pain is in remembering! How do you let go of events that shaped you? How do you get past that? I know the most obvious answer is with God's help. The dilemma with that is I've tried that. That raises other issues with my faith. I guess it comes down to lip service. I speak to God, but obviously don't believe in what I'm saying... I'm not meeting Him half way, how far is half way? I'm not depressed, angry, down, or anything... I'm doing really well, and am very blessed! I love my life and the people in it! I've just been thinking, contemplating, meditating on who I am... Who the heck am I? Do I have what it takes? I DO... But now what? Obviously I'm not there yet... I go to bed, and I wake up with the same question on my mind... Who Am I?

Do you ever dream so vividly, that you wake up believing that what you dreamed was an actual event? I dream like that every night, and I wake up exhausted and confused in the morning... Sometimes I actually think that I'm going crazy, because reality seems to be slipping out of my grasp, filled with a world of dreams. Maybe God is trying to tell me my idea of reality is nothing real at all, and that I should start over. Every dream ends with me falling... I fall and I fall and I fall, and then I hit the ground and wake up... When this started happening years ago, it terrified me. I'm not scared anymore though, and almost expect it. I have this part in my dream where I'm jumping from a plane... I haven't figured out why yet, but when I do, I have my parachute. As I fall, I check my altimeter, and know it's time to pull my chute... The problem is, when I reach around, I don't have it on anymore. That's it... That's my dream, besides me falling to the ground every time. Anyway, I figured it had some importance since I have it so often I can even describe what I'm wearing, because it's the same thing every time. Oh well, just a few moments in the mind of a whack job! :)

Anyway, enough with all of the seriousness... I've been helping with the junior high kids, and I'll tell you, I'm having a blast! It is one crazy party every single session, but I walk away feeling accomplished, especially when they talk to me the next week, about what that lesson was. They try and pretend like they have no idea, because I guess it's cool at that age to pretend like you don't care and goof off all the time... It just amazes me, that in all of the chaos, they are actually listening. Don't get me wrong, there's a long way to go, especially with "serious time" :D but I am really enjoying it... There are some absolutely amazing people that teach, and really put a lot of time and effort into the class. I'm pretty sure that there hasn't been a time where I've walked away from a class and haven't learned something new. The kids, as wild and crazy as they are, are some of the most genuine kids I have ever met... What you see is what you get! Once you get past that tough shell, you're in a whole other world! I love it :) I started reading Ecclesiastes the other day... You know, I've read the Bible in it's entirety a couple of times, and I guess just never really payed much attention to that book... I accidentally stumbled over it the other night, and I have to say, it's my favorite book right now... I'm switching between that and Matthew nightly. The wisdom is so complex, that sometimes I don't get what Solomon is saying, but you talk about something that you can meditate on... I just thought that I would throw that out there, because I'm currently excited about it.

Well, life is busy... I'm trying to take the long way home, and come to a complete stop at every light when turning on red :) I don't get angry about the woman putting her make up on and swerving all over the road, or the crosswalk guard stopping traffic for no apparent reason, because I haven't seen a kid yet ;) I'm trying to slow down, and listen to the wind... That low whisper that has something to say... If I could only remember...

"All men die, but few ever really live!"

-William Wallace 'Braveheart'

Until next time...

chow