Gold Team... Up!

<---------------- This was a good evening! We were eating at the Kennedy Center on the Lakota reservation... I looked over, and this was just a few steps from the table some of us were eating at, and I saw this huge storm cloud coming up pretty quick! I wish that I could have taken video, because in this amazing pink, red, and white cloud, bursts of lightning would flash all through out. It was an amazing site, because I love storms, I love them so much!! They calm me, more then anything in this world a horrific storm puts me at ease. I guess it's because it makes me realise I'm not in control and at any given moment I know that the storm could sweep me away. It's one of the only times I ever have just complete faith and trust in God, that He will keep me safe, or that I'll die, but either way I am absolutely not in control. I guess that's why I work really well in chaotic situations... Everything comes into perspective and I can actually focus. If my life is just runnign idle and there seems to be plenty of time to accomplish tasks, I'm the worlds worst procrastinator. I'm not really sure why either, and it's hard for me to break out of this mold. I've been reading this book "Walking with God" by John Eldredge.... I'm taking my time through it, just reading a paragraph here and there a few times a week. I was reading last night about a story he told where he had been thrown from his horse and sustained some pretty serious injuries. He made it a point that this was a storm in his life, and more importantly he really had to guard his heart from making agreements, especially of discouragment and maybe that God really doesn't care about him, because this couldn't have happened at a worse time for him. I haven't gotten to his lessons learned part of the section, and I'm sure it is and was a life changing experience, because he trusted in God throghout. The reason I like John Eldredge so much, is because through his lessons and points he is trying to get acoss to his reader's. he's constantly screwing up and not even taking his own advice. I feel like we are one in the same on 80% of all that stuff. There's a lot going on right now in my life with work, and life in general. Sometimes I don't think I can go one more minute and yet I do... Believe me, it's not by my own strength, or even the strength of God right now for that matter. I just merely exist, and just existing is pretty miserable! I've been talking with my close friends a lot lately, and there's a few of us who merely feel like we're just existing. Life seems extremely stagnant right now, like it's going nowhere and what's the point. Just a month ago I was so optimistic and excited, but lately I have just been merely waking up and going through the day not really caring about anything. There are always things that happen in life that leaves room for agreements to be made, not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, or seeing Christ for that matter. I've been upset these past couple of weeks, just maybe the last 7-8 days, and I'm not quite sure where it's coming from. I use the term upset, because no one in this state has seen me angry, and Lord willing never will... I would like to think that that's a part of me that is gone, even though I still have the memories from it all. I want to move on, but it's hard... It's hard because I don't know what the next step is supposed to be. I don't think anyone knows, and because of that it's easier to just kind of turn around and act like nothing is happening. I don't think that I'm right all the time, or even most of the time for that matter, but I do have convictions that aren't pushed aside by fear or what others might think of me. Sometimes I think when you are someone who doesn't look to everyone else for approval, that's looked down upon. I'm not quite sure why that is, but everytime I have gotten in trouble, and there have been a ton of those times, it's because I have spoken my mind with no regrets. I'm positive, that a lot of those times I was partially wrong, but I was also partially right... I have always been told to stand down, or standbye and just let it pass over because I wasn't going to win. It's always strange to me that I get told to keep an open mind and understand all points of view, but when I start to talk, that same courtesy is not given back. I just have to deal with it, be a good little boy, because eveyone else knows best. I've always asked the question for myself though... Do they really know best? I'm pretty sure that I am a huge pain in most people's sides, and especially now. I'm sure that I seem like I think I'm 100% right and unwilling to budge at all. That's not the case at all, but what I don't like is that I'm looked at like I'm just wrong and need to see where everyone else is coming from and then understand that I'm wrong, that I made a mistake and now I need to start looking ahead and work and eventually become someone who would never even think twice about ever being like that again, never making that grave mistake EVER... Hmmm... So these are the things that go through my head all day everyday. I've always had to deal with other people's insecurities, and then be told that I'm reinventing the issue. Man, if I had a nickel for everytime I've been told that. In my opinion the issue is always more deeply rooted then just the current situation, but if you go back and look at mistakes made in the past to cause this deeper rooted issue, it's hard to correct it, because it would take a lot of work, and guts for that matter. You would truly be going against the flow... Have you ever been on an escalator when that little kid decides to walk up the wrong way? It's freaking annoying! :) Anyway... I'm not really sure what happens from here. I want to be able to say that my faith is getting me through, and that I'll be good to go. It would just be words if I were to say that though. Honestly I don't know at this point. I know that I should never say something like that though, especially on a blog, because that might make people question who I really am... God forbid that! I'm willing to put myself out there, for everyone to see, even if it brings up more questions, cause when it's all said and done I am who I am... No one will ever be able to say they didn't know. Honesty is the best policy, even if it sucks and hurts really bad... It leaves no room for reflection and doubt. I'm as screwed up as the next guy, my only problem is that everyone see's both the great achievements and my face destroyed after I get up. I'll always stand by my decisions... Right, wrong, or indifferent... At least I made one. The ball is NOT in my court, nothing is up to me at this point and I'm tired of hearing that. It's going to take some guts on other's parts...

Oh yeah, one more thing... Some of this blog is about current issues, and some of it is not... Here's the disclaimer: This is not your blog, it's my blog, it's not written for a cetain person or group of people. It's simply my blog. If you get upset by it, that is probably something you will just have to deal with. I've said this in the past, but I still keep getting comments, like it's personal. If it's personal, I won't be writing about it, until after I've already said something to you, because I don't write things in hopes that it will create a dialogue.

Have a great week!

Have a good one,

out-