WHAT did you say?

The world we live in

2009-11-04T08:38:00.002-05:00

There has been a lot going on these past few weeks in our world... Floods, famine, and the likes... If anyone receives World Visions e-mail updates, you know what I'm talking about. I think I have gotten some world crisis e-mail almost every single day now for the past couple of weeks. It makes me realize that this world needs Christ now, more then ever. The homosexuals in Maine are absolutely flipping out over their denied marriage bill saying things like, "I don't care what the Bible says, all men are created equal and that means a man should be able to marry whoever he chooses"! Wow... That's about all I have for that comment. It's the same ole thing with the Democrats and Republicans. Now we have moderates, and others saying the conservatives are a separate party. Who cares! We, as a nation have lost focus... We have forgotten who we are and why this country was founded.

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, ONE nation, under GOD, Indivisible, with liberty and justice for ALL"

One - God - Indivisible - All

It makes sense to me, and as I sit here, I wonder where it all went wrong? Who broke the chain and went their own direction? We are in serious trouble folks... None of this can be fixed, patched, sure... Patches don't last though! All we have is God, of course that's always been a truth since the beginning of time, but it's a hard truth for some during these current times.

Get over yourselves, get over the politics both in the government and within our lives!

The path Most traveled

2009-09-18T11:40:00.002-04:00

Sooo... It's Friday! :) I love Friday's, because it means the next 2 days are full of fun with friends and relaxation in solitude. The past couple of weeks have been interesting to say the least, but hey, life would be way to dull if that were not to be the case. Lord willing after work, here in a few hours, I will be on the lake fishing for the majority of the night, just to get up again a few hours later and play in a golf tournament over in Loudon. It's a 4 man best ball charity event, and hey, who doesn't want to spend a Saturday with good friends smacking a ball around all day? :)

Work has been as busy as ever, but I suppose I would rather be busy then idly sitting around wishing things were more busy. Life is overall pretty good, and has gotten much better the past few weeks. There have been some minor set backs, but what can you do... It's no big deal, whatever happens, happens.

Spiritually things are not so great, but that's no one's fault but my own... There's really nothing that can be done, except by me that is. I'm so thankful for all of my friends and family! In crazy and drastic times, you really learn who is there for you and who isn't. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the church in general... I personally think that we have lost our way, and for the most part, do a better job of leading people astray, then bringing them closer to God. Why is the general consensus of Christians, one that leaves a bad taste in others mouths? Why are all of my friends, who by the way do not attend church, better people in life then the majority of Christians? Why are they hesitant, when I invite them, to show up on a Sunday morning? I think the "church" answer I would get is because they feel guilty for the way they live. No joke by the way, I was actually told that... I'm scared for them to come with me, because I don't want that to be a strain of any kind on our friendships, because of the way that they would get treated or talked down to... Don't get me wrong, I think that in the church I attend, they would be welcomed wit open arms and probably feel great when they left. My issue, is if they continued to come as new believers, the things and attitudes they would see in the months to follow. I'm scared they would be led astray into thinking's that would confuse them even more. I'm not sure how to feel after typing that... It could be completely absurd, and I could be way off the mark... The scary thing is, I might also be spot on! I realized, sitting in my living room the other night, I have made church more about people then God. I have based my faith more so, on friends and people's attitudes, then on the promises of Christ. The thing about that is, when those people fail you, you're whole world comes crashing in. You're devastated and angry, you want to lash out, it's just not healthy.

side note: I am not talking about anything that has to do with me in this section.

That's just something that I have come to realize... Putting faith in anything but the truth, is just wrong! When will we, as being Christians, decide that enough is enough? I've been told in the past, all I can do is worry about what John Hill is doing, to not worry about what Joe Blow is up to. I believe there to be truth in that statement, but there is also some misguidance as well. It creates an attitude of individualism instead of an attitude of unification within the body of believers. I've actually been asked, "why do I care"? What kind of answer do you give a fellow Christian who actually thinks or out right asks that of you? All I can think and say at the time is, "SERIOUSLY"? "Is that a serious question, or are you just being sarcastic"? It made me realize though, that if people of this caliber contain that attitude, then what is someone new to the faith thinking?! These have been people that I have high regards for, and to be talked to like that, just shocked me. It kind of upset me, but in a different way... A sympathetic way. My only question right now is, "Why"? I don't have the answers right now, I'm not sure I will ever have them for that matter. All I know, is that something is wrong.

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Until next time...

Gold Team... Up!

2009-08-03T10:50:00.002-04:00

<---------------- This was a good evening! We were eating at the Kennedy Center on the Lakota reservation... I looked over, and this was just a few steps from the table some of us were eating at, and I saw this huge storm cloud coming up pretty quick! I wish that I could have taken video, because in this amazing pink, red, and white cloud, bursts of lightning would flash all through out. It was an amazing site, because I love storms, I love them so much!! They calm me, more then anything in this world a horrific storm puts me at ease. I guess it's because it makes me realise I'm not in control and at any given moment I know that the storm could sweep me away. It's one of the only times I ever have just complete faith and trust in God, that He will keep me safe, or that I'll die, but either way I am absolutely not in control. I guess that's why I work really well in chaotic situations... Everything comes into perspective and I can actually focus. If my life is just runnign idle and there seems to be plenty of time to accomplish tasks, I'm the worlds worst procrastinator. I'm not really sure why either, and it's hard for me to break out of this mold. I've been reading this book "Walking with God" by John Eldredge.... I'm taking my time through it, just reading a paragraph here and there a few times a week. I was reading last night about a story he told where he had been thrown from his horse and sustained some pretty serious injuries. He made it a point that this was a storm in his life, and more importantly he really had to guard his heart from making agreements, especially of discouragment and maybe that God really doesn't care about him, because this couldn't have happened at a worse time for him. I haven't gotten to his lessons learned part of the section, and I'm sure it is and was a life changing experience, because he trusted in God throghout. The reason I like John Eldredge so much, is because through his lessons and points he is trying to get acoss to his reader's. he's constantly screwing up and not even taking his own advice. I feel like we are one in the same on 80% of all that stuff. There's a lot going on right now in my life with work, and life in general. Sometimes I don't think I can go one more minute and yet I do... Believe me, it's not by my own strength, or even the strength of God right now for that matter. I just merely exist, and just existing is pretty miserable! I've been talking with my close friends a lot lately, and there's a few of us who merely feel like we're just existing. Life seems extremely stagnant right now, like it's going nowhere and what's the point. Just a month ago I was so optimistic and excited, but lately I have just been merely waking up and going through the day not really caring about anything. There are always things that happen in life that leaves room for agreements to be made, not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, or seeing Christ for that matter. I've been upset these past couple of weeks, just maybe the last 7-8 days, and I'm not quite sure where it's coming from. I use the term upset, because no one in this state has seen me angry, and Lord willing never will... I would like to think that that's a part of me that is gone, even though I still have the memories from it all. I want to move on, but it's hard... It's hard because I don't know what the next step is supposed to be. I don't think anyone knows, and because of that it's easier to just kind of turn around and act like nothing is happening. I don't think that I'm right all the time, or even most of the time for that matter, but I do have convictions that aren't pushed aside by fear or what others might think of me. Sometimes I think when you are someone who doesn't look to everyone else for approval, that's looked down upon. I'm not quite sure why that is, but everytime I have gotten in trouble, and there have been a ton of those times, it's because I have spoken my mind with no regrets. I'm positive, that a lot of those times I was partially wrong, but I was also partially right... I have always been told to stand down, or standbye and just let it pass over because I wasn't going to win. It's always strange to me that I get told to keep an open mind and understand all points of view, but when I start to talk, that same courtesy is not given back. I just have to deal with it, be a good little boy, because eveyone else knows best. I've always asked the question for myself though... Do they really know best? I'm pretty sure that I am a huge pain in most people's sides, and especially now. I'm sure that I seem like I think I'm 100% right and unwilling to budge at all. That's not the case at all, but what I don't like is that I'm looked at like I'm just wrong and need to see where everyone else is coming from and then understand that I'm wrong, that I made a mistake and now I need to start looking ahead and work and eventually become someone who would never even think twice about ever being like that again, never making that grave mistake EVER... Hmmm... So these are the things that go through my head all day everyday. I've always had to deal with other people's insecurities, and then be told that I'm reinventing the issue. Man, if I had a nickel for everytime I've been told that. In my opinion the issue is always more deeply rooted then just the current situation, but if you go back and look at mistakes made in the past to cause this deeper rooted issue, it's hard to correct it, because it would take a lot of work, and guts for that matter. You would truly be going against the flow... Have you ever been on an escalator when that little kid decides to walk up the wrong way? It's freaking annoying! :) Anyway... I'm not really sure what happens from here. I want to be able to say that my faith is getting me through, and that I'll be good to go. It would just be words if I were to say that though. Honestly I don't know at this point. I know that I should never say something like that though, especially on a blog, because that might make people question who I really am... God forbid that! I'm willing to put myself out there, for everyone to see, even if it brings up more questions, cause when it's all said and done I am who I am... No one will ever be able to say they didn't know. Honesty is the best policy, even if it sucks and hurts really bad... It leaves no room for reflection and doubt. I'm as screwed up as the next guy, my only problem is that everyone see's both the great achievements and my face destroyed after I get up. I'll always stand by my decisions... Right, wrong, or indifferent... At least I made one. The ball is NOT in my court, nothing is up to me at this point and I'm tired of hearing that. It's going to take some guts on other's parts...

Oh yeah, one more thing... Some of this blog is about current issues, and some of it is not... Here's the disclaimer: This is not your blog, it's my blog, it's not written for a cetain person or group of people. It's simply my blog. If you get upset by it, that is probably something you will just have to deal with. I've said this in the past, but I still keep getting comments, like it's personal. If it's personal, I won't be writing about it, until after I've already said something to you, because I don't write things in hopes that it will create a dialogue.

Have a great week!

Have a good one,

out-

Busy, busy, busy!!!!!

2009-04-02T08:51:00.002-04:00

Sooo... Things are in full swing and busier then ever! I feel like I don't know which way is up at this point, but as of last night, I exhaled, and followed my bubbles to get me upright again! Only those divers out there will get that little analogy. I'll explain it though... Sometimes when you're scuba diving you get disoriented, especially in open water when it's dark. You get what they call vertigo, which I experience often! It's a terrifying feeling and your whole world is spinning like crazy. Imagine being on a merry go round and someone is spinning you as fast as it will turn! In that process you lose situational awareness and can't tell if you're swimming up or down, so in most situations you find yourself swimming deeper into the abyss, which is not good! Swimming up isn't safe either, because normally its at an uncontrolled ascent... Anyway, the right answer it to calm down and exhale through your regulator and watch which way the bubbles go. That's the feeling, except you're underwater about 70ft! Anyway, the only cure for it, is to grab something and hold onto it and just stare directly into it... In open water, it's your dive partner. In life it's trusted Christian friends and most importantly God! I have definitely been feeling like that for about 2 weeks... I knew it was because my relationship with God was slacking. I used the excuse of being too tired, after "serving" him non stop with all of these activities that are going on. Everything I was telling the kids about how they have to perservere no matter what, I just wasn't doing! I was becoming a hypocrite in just a matter of a few weeks! I'm back on track now and I pray that I will stay there! I realized sitting in my office yesterday, that there is absolutely no way I can do any of this without God. It's just too much! I know in my heart that if I didn't know the truth, I would have quit everything yesterday afternoon, because it was just too much of a burden! Jesus was God, and He was and is God's son, but now I understand more then ever, why He went off to solitary places so often to pray and be with God! It's easy to over extend yourself, and I just never realized this until recently, because I never had this much responsibility before. It's ridiculously overwhelming, and just insane! That is, without God!! With God it's completely bareable, it's enjoyable, and really quite easy. I realize now, why people get burnt out so easily. It's not because they do to much, it's because they're not doing enough! In the military, it's the sacrifice of a few for the greater good of many! That's a noble way to look at it, when you're talking about the defense of a nation, and it's completely true. However, we've adopted this into the church. It's crazy people!! It's a crap excuse! I know that you're thinking, "oh here John goes with his ranting and raving!" but seriously, am I wrong? Okay, maybe I'm not sensitive in saying what I think, but sensitivity in the truth is kind of pointless. It leaves room for excuses! There are certain situations where it can be used, but those are far and few in between. What's wrong with telling someone diectly to their face that they're screwed up! Who cares if they get upset!! As long as you are still loving them, and doing it to correct them, what's wrong with that?? I'm sure most would say nothing is wrong with that, so my response is why aren't we doing it then? Why are a few people busting their butts, and everyone else is standing on the sidelines?! You know what one of the biggest insults to me is??? Well, I'll tell you! It's when someone comes up and says, "Thank you for what you are doing, I could never do that, it's just not my calling!" Are you freaking kidding me??? How do you know? It doesn't make any sense... In my mind I'm hearing, "thanks for what you're doing, and all the hard work you're putting in, it really takes a load of my shoulders, because I was feeling guilty for not doing jack crap! Now that you're doing it, I feel much better!" Granted, there are those that come up and say thanks, who are doing way more then I ever could, and it's a real blessing to have them say something like that to me, because honestly, who am I?? I'm nobody! I mean that too! I know most have the impression that I think I'm the worlds greatest thing since sliced bread! These are the people who sit back and judge, these are the ones who are so angry with themselves because they're weak! They see someone who is confident in themselves, and they want to tear that person down, that way they don't have to feel bad about themselves! To my limited knowledge the Bible doesn't say to take your time, figure things out, hang out for a while, and then if it feels good, get baptized, because that would be super cool of you... I'm pretty sure it says to REPENT and be baptized. This is just an example I'm using... Repent, to realize you are going in the wrong direction and turn around in changing! I' pretty sure that's a 180, not a 130 to 100 to 90 to 60 to 20 to 0...

Anyway, I'm not angry... I was just thinking about that on my drive to work this morning. I know change is supposedly coming with this "new vision" and all, I just don't understand why it has to take a whole sermon series to get 1 or 2 people to sign up to help out. You'd think there would be so many people willing to help, some would have to be turned away. I guess not, so I will just settle with the excuse of "that's just the way it is" By the way, that has to be the lamest thing I have ever heard!

Have a good one!

Dear Bopha

2009-03-02T09:25:00.003-05:00

Dear Bopha:

These are tough financial times, and working for $2 per day to help provide for your family is also really helping us here in the west. I thought I should write a quick note of thanks.

First some good news: Gas prices are lower. For a while it was getting scary. I was afraid I would have to sell my SUV! That would have been hard on us (it would have taken days to clean all the stuff out the back). Now that oil prices have gone down, your mom should be able to buy the ½ cup of cooking oil you’ve been doing without for so long. This means she will be able to cook a meal every once in a while for your family. Cheap oil is a great blessing to us all, isn’t it? You can cook, and I can continue driving at 15 miles per gallon.

I know the amount you’ve been getting paid has been dropping like a stone lately. This stupid credit crunch is freezing everyone up from buying things right now. I guess part of the problem is debt. I should know. I have four credit cards maxed to the limit. Plasma TVs are really expensive here - it’s unbelievable how much they want for a 50″ screen! Since I didn’t want to put more on my credit cards, I was forced to take out a second mortgage on my home so I could buy the boat. This was unavoidable. Although we can only use it only a few months out of the year here in Wisconsin it was something my family felt we really could not do without. As you look at the attached photo I think you will see why. Isn’t it beautiful?

So anywho, all this borrowing seems to played a role in freezing money up in a serious way. Therefore, it is all the more important that you keep working twelve hour days for so little. We are all doing what we can. I realize the cost of rice has risen above your ability to pay. But let me tell you, my family and I are standing in solidarity with you. You will be glad to know that I have started buying the cheaper coffee to cut down on our grocery bill. This is sort of funny in a way because I’ve had to stop buying fairly traded stuff. The bright side is that this should help your friends, as I know their employers do not believe in fair trade.

The really scary part is that the money I had invested in emerging markets like Darfur is now only worth half of what it was last year at this time. Believe you me … you are fortunate your family has no savings.

So, I thought I’d write this little note encouraging you to keep working so I can get some good stuff for Christmas this year.

Gratefully,
Your Friend in America

P.S. Sorry to hear about your sister being sold into the brothel, but it’s wonderful that your mom can now get the medicine she needs. Once she starts working again and your dad stops drinking, your situation could really start looking up.

Author Bio: Scott Bessenecker is the Director of Global Projects for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. One of his incredible privileges is standing alongside young men and women who have left affluence to seek Christ among the poorest of the poor.

I thought this was amazing!! I was reading Dennis' blog and saw this in the Sunday seven. Anyway, I couldn't agree more with the satire! I think this hits home more then ever, and especially after the past 2 days at camp spent doing the 30hr famine. I was really encouraged this weekend, by the conviction that the junior high kids and some of the highschoolers felt after this weekend... I'm proud of them also!! I didn't get to spend that much time with the high school group, but I saw Shelby Hickle with her parents last night, and she had a sponsorship packet from World Vision! I was VERY impressed and inspired! Not only was there a conviction, but an action afterwards! Putting faith into action, no other words need to follow! I know of other high schoolers that have already been sponsoring a child on their own, and that is amazing as well!! As far as the junior high class... Wow! 5 kids decided to sponsor 2 kids together... The really cool thing about that, is they made it a class project with the confidence that everyone else would get on board and with the extra money raised outside of that at the end of the year would use it in the 1 Life Revolution project to buy goats and chickens and what not! BUT... Even if the rest of the class did not get on board, their decision was to take responsibility and endure the 60.00 a month cost themselves. That is a really cool and selfless act for 6th, 7th, and 8th graders! Something else that has really hit home the past couple of months, is that Christ calls us ALL to be disciples, to go out into the world and make disciples of all nations! He does not call "some" of us to do that... It's not okay to think that! It's not okay to think that your calling is to attend church a couple times a week and tithe 10% and support those "disciples" who feel lead to do such things. It's just not true, it's wrong!!

Sooo... Some people have questioned my last blog post... You know, I was just letting out some aggression in a mix of sarcasm and seriousness. I apologize for any misconceived notions that may have been formed after reading that. I'm not saying that I won't do it again sometime, but hey, it's my blog right?

Have a good one!

God is Good!!

2009-01-13T09:23:00.003-05:00

Sooo... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I've really started meditating on God's word a whole lot more lately, and am actually seeing the benefits from that. It's weird, and a real "mystery" :) how when you come upon different difficult situations in your life, God speaks to you through scripture that you have read and thought about. That's happened twice this week already. JP got these books for the high school and junior high classes, the book is called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Chan is the minister of a very large church out in Simi Valley, CA. His ideas are amazing, but more so, because probably 40% of the book is direct scripture. After watching one of his videos online, I actually found myself on my knees in my office at work praying. I feel like my life is changing dramatically for the good, and I'm really trying to let God take over every aspect of my thoughts. That's my biggest issue, what goes on inside of me... I'm messed up, and I'll be the first to admit that... Now that I've realized how much, it's extremely painful to invite God into those parts and fix it. Mainly because even though He already knows what's in there, I'm ashamed that I've even tried to hide those things from Him. I've found that I'm more emotional in front of God, and honestly I hurt more now. In a way I think it's because a lot has been going on family and friend wise with deaths, sicknesses and a friend who is probably going to be dead before the end of this week. It's bitter sweet... All of this happened on my way to TCTC, and more news came down over the weekend. In spite of all of those events, the weekend was amazing, and more so the time I was able to reflect and be in God's presence. On top of all of that, 3 people got baptized in the pool at the hotel, one more on Sunday night, and two more within the next week or so! All of them were in junior high except for one. I'm at a loss for words, and all I can do is praise God for everything that happened this past weekend. I'm so excited for this upcoming book study... My prayer is that in the end, the kids will desire to have a personal relationship with God. A desire to read His word. A desire to talk with Him constantly. Finally, a desire to be the city on a hill! Things are hard right now, and that is no understatement! The really crazy thing about it all, is that I'm thankful, and not depressed. I've never experienced gratitude in a time of trouble. The world says that I have every right to be down and depressed and even do things that are out of the norm and it's okay, because I need a release. Maybe a few years ago I would have taken that advice, but I don't want any of that. I want to thank God, and I want to talk with Him. My true desire right now, in this moment, is that I could see Him physically. That maybe He could put His arm around me and just hang out for a little while. With all of that being said, I'm happy... I don't know where any of this is going... It's pretty exciting actually! I know that for the time being, nothing else matters. I still have a long way to go, but I want to do what I can, to make what ever kind of difference that I can make in my short insignificant time on this earth. I want to continually be grateful for whatever part that I am to play, and am truly remorseful for all the time I've wasted thus far.

God is good!

Until next time...

Rehab is for quitters

2008-12-28T14:16:00.002-05:00

MAN! These past couple weeks have been out of control... Sometimes in a good way, others in just a really crappy way. I'm sitting here typing, and my thoughts are everywhere but focused. This Christmas was pretty much depressing! I have to say that I had a great time at my dad's and it was just relaxing. It was what I was hoping the entire season was going to be like. I'm very grateful for the time I had with my family, and that's what I'm trying to focus on. It's hard though, because in the back drop of it all, was my grandmother, who was just miserable. It's really a terrible feeling seeing someone in such pain and discomfort and not being able to do a thing about it. It did keep everything in perspective as far as relying on God a whole lot. I bet I drove back and fourth from Knoxville at lease twice a day for those two days. While I was praying at the candle light service I just about fell asleep. Work is non stop and difficult at this point in time... I like the work, but I feel like that's all I've been doing lately. As soon as I get home from work, I turn the computer on, check my outlook e-mail, make some work phone calls, and continue to work for a couple more hours. I've really been lacking on running. I'm luck to get in more then 2 days a week, and so in those 2 days I have to run 8 miles or more to keep in shape. The whole time I'm running I'm thinking about how many e-mails I'll have when I get back. Sometimes there are none, and others a whole lot. I know this sounds like complaining, and in a way it is I suppose... What it brings me back to, is thankfulness for a job! In another way, it makes me go back to my thinking of "this isn't what life's about!" I've been working really hard on looking at things from a blessed and grateful point of view every time a concern or problem arises. I start to get down about my grandmother and then thank God for the healing he's already provided and the time I get to spend with her. It's definitely still a work in progress, but one that I want to achieve.

I've been talking to the junior high kids about being faithful. I've had to search deep, because when I started thinking about points and lesson views I realized that I'm not all that faithful myself. It scared me, and in return I taught a lesson that was kind of frightening in itself, because I questioned everyone's faith. I love those kids though, and sometimes I come off really hard on them in the discipline arena, but it's because I want them to be better. Some of them actually look up to me, and I'm not sure I like that. Who am I, to be an example to these guys? It's hard... It's as hard as giving the communion meditation. You talk about an unworthy feeling, I had it! It's a big deal leading people into the remembrance of Christ and serving communion, an honor no doubt! Some look at it as a chore, and a pain... I guess I can see where they are coming from, but in all reality it's a privledge and something that is pretty darn serious. I'm not sure that I'm cut out for this teaching thing... The more I do it, the more I feel like a hypocrite. Maybe God is using this to show me where my so easily overlooked faults and problems are. It's working!

Well, I'm exhausted! I'm going to take a nap like an old guy, before church tonight. You lose your edge for 1 minute with those guys and they'll have you hog tied before you know it :D

Until next time...
chow

Merry Christmas!! ... Or Happy Holidays?

2008-12-16T13:04:00.002-05:00

Sooo... I called my insurance company yesterday to confirm my change of address, and of course they were extremely nice. Mainly because it's through USAA which mainly serves the military. Anyway, at the end of the phone call they wished me a Happy Holiday, being government PC and all. It went like this... "Seargent Hill, is there anything I can do for you further, to make your evening more enjoyable?" I said, "no". She said, "Well, I would like to wish you and your family a Happy Holiday!" For one, they still call me by my rank, which I've been out now for three years. I guess it's something they just do. I proceeded to say that in my neck of the woods we still say Merry Christmas, and she just laughed... She then told me that I of all people know why they have to say Happy Holidays, but thanked me for not bowing down to the almighty PC. :) I thought that was pretty funny, but annoying none the less. It's kind of a crummy feeling to know that our nation under God, indevisible etc. etc... is no longer under God, and has been divided right down the center. This Happy Holidays thing started while I was in the military, at least the government mandated pc portion of it anyway. It always made me second guess my whole attitude of service... I spent the better part of 7 years defending a nation of self serving, unappreciative.... I'll stop there in my description, before I say something that may offend someone. The fact that people have the audacity here in the states to make a rule about having Christ in any word is really appauling. I was home for 1 Christmas, and 1 Thanksgiving in all of those years... When I did come home after that time, I found that Christmas had been turned into a frenzy of angry people fighting over things that frankly didn't even matter. Don't get me wrong... I like recieving gifts, but Christmas is more then that to me. It's a reminder now, off all the lost times and sattelite phone calls made from distant lands to my family on Christmas Eve. I'm truly thankful for this time of year, and even more so now! I could honestly care less if I get any gift at all, and I truly mean that. I wish that I could spend tons and tons of money on my family to show my appreciation for them, and get nothing in return. The budget is tight this year and a lot of families are feeling the strain and stress of providing gifts. Is it not enough that everyone is alive and healthy. By the way... Why do we get gifts anyway? I mean, Christ was born, and some how I get a gift for that. It's kind of like how I work, and then someone else reaps the benifits of all the taxes I pay in, when they had to do nothing at all... I won't go into that, that's a whole other blog. I'm thankful for my amazing family, and the time that I will get to spend with them... I'm thankful for the great paying job I have, that is affording me the opportunity to get out of debt, so that I can have lots of extra cash to try and do some good for people, I'm thankful for an amazing church family as well! God has blessed me with all of these things and I very rarely sit down and thank Him for something that I absolutely do not deserve. Roderick, the little boy I sponsor through World Vision, who lives in Uganda... What is he going to be doing on Christmas? Imagine that I have all of these things to be thankful for, which are amazing things... What is he saying? Is he saying that he is greatful for the measly thirty five dollars a month that he gets... You can't even fill your vehicle up for that, and yet it provides 3 square meals a day, medicine, clothing and education for this young man, for an entire month! I'm just at a loss for words right now... I'm ashamed. I read on the prayer requests that Phil Canafax just got riddled with shrapnel the other day, and at the same time saved his buddies arm by performing emergency medical care on him... Why does he do what he does? Why is he going to be pulling shrapnel out of his body for the next few years and especially on Christmas? It's hard to say that it's for love of God and country, because we're a PC nation now and that's not correct. Everyone has a different answer, but I think that you'll find most of the time, the answer is so that "you don't have to" Who else is going to do it? When you're out and about this time of year, frustrated about the idiot drivers and the unfriendly clerks, stop and think about what it could be like. Thank God that there are people out there allowing you the ability to be complaining in that moment, and most of all thank God that you are still around, that you are able to go home to a warm place with a Christmas tree and hug your loved ones!

Merry Christmas everyone!! God Bless!!

"Specializing in outdoor adventure gear"

2008-12-11T14:07:00.002-05:00

Sooo... Things have been fast paced and slow going, that makes a lot of sense right?! These past 2 weeks have absolutely flown by, but the days are long... My grandmother isn't doing well at all, and her doctor's appointment is on Monday, the 15th. She's pretty much going to be in a wheel chair, because it pains her so much to walk now. To think that 2 weeks ago everything was fine. I just don't get it, and hopefully the docs will have some answers. My dad was right though, the older you get, the more people that you see die. A co-worker of mine, Jim Clark passed away while I was in Denver... He found out he had Pancreatic cancer, and 2 weeks later he was dead... I saw him the Friday before I left and everything was fine and he was normal as ever. I got back from Denver and the next day dear friends of mine lost their son in a boating accident, and they still haven't found his body. Brandon was a senior this year, but that's all down the tubes now. You know, it's just been a crazy month and it's made me think a whole lot. I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, except that I need some sort of escape from the craziness that has been going on.

On a lighter note, I have my annual tacky sweater Christmas party, and I'm highly looking forward to that on Saturday... It's always so much fun, and my friends are amazing people! Michael L. and I were talking 2 nights ago, and decided we were going to drive to Colorado, along with Frank for about 6 days. We're going to go back packing and just have a guys get away for some rejuvination spiritually! We made a pact to do something every year, covering the globe slowly and taking a different adventure each time... We're going to write a journal for each trip, and keep a video log as well. I wrote John Elderedge an e-mail, since he lives in Colorado Springs, end goal is to try and meet up with him and talk for a little bit! He is someone that has changed our lives through his writing for years! We'll see what comes of it, I hope something amazing :) That's pretty much the highlight of what I'm looking forward to this coming year of 2009. Of course there is the missions trip in June back to Lakota, but I'm having my own reservations about that. I think some things need to be brought up and some other things change before I can make a decision about going. I'm not being pessimistic, and am really looking forward to it... I think it's just some internal issues that are going on.

Things are on there way to looking up, and there has always been light at the end of the tunnel, but this particular section during a time of year that things should be "merry" has been rather dark and gloomy. That's the adventure of life I suppose. You take the good with the bad, and thank God every morning for a new start and chance to move on and try again to get things right.

Have I ever told you how much I HATE politics and political discussions? Well, I do :) I just thought I would throw that in there, because I'm desperately sick of the discussion on Obama and the rest of the pathetic political realm that they call advisors. Does it really matter? Would our country be any different if someone else were elected? It's doubtful... But what do I know right?? I'm just another sucker paying for some free loader to live the American Dream. If everyone did their part, then none of this crap would have ever happened... You know, all the people doing the majority of the complaining, couldn't survive in an actual Republic, because they wouldn't be able to pull their own weight. Heck, I bet most people don't even know what a Republic is.... I heard a nasty rumor, and that's probably all it is, that they're teaching the United States is a Democracy... It wouldn't surprise me, but I can't say it's a fact either. I was listening to a conversation last night about someone who was shocked to find out that during the pledge of allegiance, they had their wrong hand over the wrong side of their chest. It was humerous to listen to, but upset me at the same time. Kind of a slap in the face... Another kid a few months ago informed me that I should have done better in highschool, then I wouldn't have had to join the military where all the stupid people go. That was probably the most ignorant statement that I've ever heard and actually felt sorry for how stupid he was, and then realized his parents had failed him miserably. Anyway, in a republic, everyone is proud and everyone knows what they stand for and for what... Greed gets in the way, and I suppose that's why there has never been a successful one to this date.

Anyway, I'll get off my soap box... I'm starting to sound like all those guys on talk radio that give me headache.

Until next time...

"Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? You've been out riding fences, for so long now!"

Word to your...

2008-12-05T11:24:00.003-05:00

POSTED:

MEN WANTED FOR HAZARDOUS JOURNEY. SMALL WAGES, BITTER COLD, LONG MONTHS OF COMPLETE DARKNESS, CONSTANT DANGER, SAFE RETURN DOUBTFUL. HONOUR AND RECOGNITION IN CASE OF SUCCESS.

This is Earnest Shackelton's recruitment post for his expedition into Antarctica... I read this on Dean Karnaze's The North Face blog. He recently completed the last of the 4 desert's races in Antarctica. When I read this excerpt from "The Endurance, the story of Earnest Shackelton's legendary Antarctica expedition"I was immediately entrigued and so, went out and bought the book. The thing is, this is what I want to see in my own life... I want to come across a post like this, and I would sign up in a heart beat! I love adventures, especially the kind where the outcome is unknown. It made my mind race with the tension that one must have felt upon reading that post back in the early 1900's. The images were astounding, and made me excited! As I was layign in bed, thinking about these things last night, it dawned on me... Maybe this is the post that God has in front of my face every morning when I wake up. When I do, which isn't very often, give myself over fully to God, it is a crazy adventure that takes me to places and sights that I could have never imagined! It's dangerous a lot of times, but none the less an adventure! The problem is, I never look at it in the same light... I always think about those times as hardships, or even good times as just part of everyday life. I should be recognizing it for what it is... Similar to how I would feel signing my name to the dotted line of Earnest Shackelton't recruitment post. It's weird how God can use simple quotes from the past, to remotivate me, to seek that adventure that I felt like I was so intune with this past year. I'm inspired by what I have read so far, and I wish my eyes could be opened and stay open to read the Bible as just that... A great adventure with death and rescue and love... Great journey's across barren desert's and new lands discovered! Sailing the high seas and being ship wrecked over and over again! Why have I been reading just for the sake of reading and not seeing all of this in a different light?!

Anyway... I just thought that I would make a quick entry, because I am re-motivated and am really looking forward to seeing where all of this leads!

Until Next Time...

Chow

Relaxation

2008-11-26T22:34:00.002-05:00

Sooo... It's been some time, not to long, but a little while :)

I've been absolutely busy, with no breaks what so ever! The new position is a good one, and I enjoy it quite a bit. My travel has gotten a little bit more hectic, but the jobs and assignments are good, so I guess that means that I'm good! lol...

I finally got moved into my new place and it's starting to feel more like a home... I'm happy here, it's so much bigger then my other place. I think that everything is going to be just fine now. Life is good, and things seem to be moving along nicely. I still have no idea what God has in store... Honestly, I haven't been keeping in touch with God much of late. It's pretty disappointing, and I chalk it up to a lack of commitment on my part, using work as an excuse. I'm not really sure what's going on actually. It's something that is on my mind quite often though... How can I become a better person all around?! I'm not going to worry about it, but instead try and fix the issues. It's hard when you don't know where to start though...

Anyway, nothing that interesting has been happening, just work, travel, more travel, move into a new place, work and some more travel... :D It's been a crazy past 3 weeks! I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving tomorrow... Good food, deserts, and time with the family is always a good thing! I have so much to be thankful for! I'm a very lucky guy!

Well, I think that's all I have to say... Nothing of insight, or anything like that, just a random entry and a quick update...

Until next time...

Chow

blah, blah, blah

2008-11-17T00:32:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been a crazy couple of weeks... Just got back from the north east, and now I'm in Denver... This weekend was insane! I had to move on Friday, that's a whole other story in itself, had crazy meetings at crazy times of the night and am pretty much exhausted! I'm pretty sure this is going to be a long week, but hoping not. The plane ride was miserable, because it was sold out and somehow I got moved into a middle seat, and I'm still trying to figure out how that happened! You know, I've never gotten a middle seat between two thin people... I'm not sure how I always get stuck between two extremely over weight and unfriendly people!? Anyway, I made it to the hotel and am just about to hit the sack. I'm so tired, but can't seem to fall asleep :/ Overall things are good, I'm just swamped with work and a new position I'm in. I'm looking forward to the work in the future, because I fit in. I went and took a class yesterday to get my carry permit back... It was pretty humorous, because there were 7 other people from MHCC there getting their carry permit as well! :) It was a good day, but so cold waiting to get on the firing line! It was nice being with good people and just hanging out and having fun. :] I foresee much shooting to occur with these folks in the future LOL!

I really have nothing new to talk about, I've just been pretty much working since my last post... Well, my eyes are getting heavy, so I'm out!

Until next time...

Chow

2008-10-27T11:15:00.002-04:00

Sooo... It's been a little while, well maybe a long while. A whole lot has happened in this year to date... Some really good stuff, and some bad to go along with it. I guess I'm kind of doing a recap of it all, because I'm just not really into the whole online thing as much.

I don't know what the next few months hold... There's a lot of opportunities out there, and life is good... I have committed myself as much as I can to a job that I've been putting off for about 6 months now. Anyway... I've done everything in my power and I'm just waiting. I've been told it will take a while, for clearances and all of that to go through, but once they do, I'll be on my way to a whole new realm. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time... My heart is in the missions field, and that's where I want to be... I think this job will give me some skills and contacts to further my use in a support role for the people in the field that really need it! I'm scared I might get stuck in the rut of settling down, because that's not what I want at all... I'm not interested in being a "normal guy" I'm interested in adventure, danger, and helping people along the way! I've been reading John Eldredge's "Wild at Heart" again... I read it every couple of years, so I don't forget... It's easy to forget things in the world that we live in. I forget my reason for living almost on a daily basis. That's pretty sad, but mostly lame! JP was talking about forgiveness on Wed night in the combined junior high/ high school class... He said that forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do, but it's key in moving on, and fighting the battles that are to be next... I put my own spin on that statement, he did not say the part about it being key to fighting the battles to come... John Eldredge say that a lot though... The statement in its entirety is true though. I guess that's my issue, I haven't forgiven myself, and God will only forgive you like you forgive others, including yourself. The hard part is... I feel guilty when I try and let go of the past. I feel like it's not my place, that I have to remember, even though all the pain is in remembering! How do you let go of events that shaped you? How do you get past that? I know the most obvious answer is with God's help. The dilemma with that is I've tried that. That raises other issues with my faith. I guess it comes down to lip service. I speak to God, but obviously don't believe in what I'm saying... I'm not meeting Him half way, how far is half way? I'm not depressed, angry, down, or anything... I'm doing really well, and am very blessed! I love my life and the people in it! I've just been thinking, contemplating, meditating on who I am... Who the heck am I? Do I have what it takes? I DO... But now what? Obviously I'm not there yet... I go to bed, and I wake up with the same question on my mind... Who Am I?

Do you ever dream so vividly, that you wake up believing that what you dreamed was an actual event? I dream like that every night, and I wake up exhausted and confused in the morning... Sometimes I actually think that I'm going crazy, because reality seems to be slipping out of my grasp, filled with a world of dreams. Maybe God is trying to tell me my idea of reality is nothing real at all, and that I should start over. Every dream ends with me falling... I fall and I fall and I fall, and then I hit the ground and wake up... When this started happening years ago, it terrified me. I'm not scared anymore though, and almost expect it. I have this part in my dream where I'm jumping from a plane... I haven't figured out why yet, but when I do, I have my parachute. As I fall, I check my altimeter, and know it's time to pull my chute... The problem is, when I reach around, I don't have it on anymore. That's it... That's my dream, besides me falling to the ground every time. Anyway, I figured it had some importance since I have it so often I can even describe what I'm wearing, because it's the same thing every time. Oh well, just a few moments in the mind of a whack job! :)

Anyway, enough with all of the seriousness... I've been helping with the junior high kids, and I'll tell you, I'm having a blast! It is one crazy party every single session, but I walk away feeling accomplished, especially when they talk to me the next week, about what that lesson was. They try and pretend like they have no idea, because I guess it's cool at that age to pretend like you don't care and goof off all the time... It just amazes me, that in all of the chaos, they are actually listening. Don't get me wrong, there's a long way to go, especially with "serious time" :D but I am really enjoying it... There are some absolutely amazing people that teach, and really put a lot of time and effort into the class. I'm pretty sure that there hasn't been a time where I've walked away from a class and haven't learned something new. The kids, as wild and crazy as they are, are some of the most genuine kids I have ever met... What you see is what you get! Once you get past that tough shell, you're in a whole other world! I love it :) I started reading Ecclesiastes the other day... You know, I've read the Bible in it's entirety a couple of times, and I guess just never really payed much attention to that book... I accidentally stumbled over it the other night, and I have to say, it's my favorite book right now... I'm switching between that and Matthew nightly. The wisdom is so complex, that sometimes I don't get what Solomon is saying, but you talk about something that you can meditate on... I just thought that I would throw that out there, because I'm currently excited about it.

Well, life is busy... I'm trying to take the long way home, and come to a complete stop at every light when turning on red :) I don't get angry about the woman putting her make up on and swerving all over the road, or the crosswalk guard stopping traffic for no apparent reason, because I haven't seen a kid yet ;) I'm trying to slow down, and listen to the wind... That low whisper that has something to say... If I could only remember...

"All men die, but few ever really live!"

-William Wallace 'Braveheart'

Until next time...

chow

Good to go!

2008-09-14T17:41:00.002-04:00

Sooo... This is not going to be long at all. It's been a pretty long time, but mainly this has to do with the typhoon we just went through. Of course I'm in the middle of the South China Sea in Okinawa, Japan. How I came from Europe to the sweltering hot island life is beyond me, but I was thinking about it yesterday and it made me laugh. :] Oh well!

So the typhoon hit last night, which it's 645am on Monday morning for me right now, because we're 13 hours ahead. It was a pretty rough one! But... God answered the prayers because it diverted a little and didn't hot us directly on like it was supposed to! It WAS a category 5, and let me tell you, the winds were crazy!! It was definitely an experience, they were installing a fortified sea wall for the past 3 days outside our hotel room! Luckily everything here is made from concrete and block! Why we don't do that in places that keep getting trashed, like Houston, and the gulf islands is beyond me... We didn't lose a single thing here, minus a couple of sheds here and there! I was at Cape Hedo yesterday, on the very northern tip of the island, but that's a different story, but I'll tell you it was amazing! We're going to do some surveys in a couple hours and check out the damage. Everything is good and Lord Willing I'll be home late Wednesday night! I'm so ready!

Off to work!

Until next time...

Chow

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles!

2008-08-23T18:15:00.002-04:00

Breakfast in Germany, lunch in Switzerland, Dinner in France!! I'm exhausted, and Thursday is starting to sound amazing. :] For a little while anyway.

I'm going to bed...

chow

Everything is History

2008-08-16T14:35:00.002-04:00

I was sitting at a restaurant last night, off of one of the trails that I recently found... It was a tranquil setting and I was in very good company! :] As I was sitting there in comfortable silence with my companion, I started thinking about how everything is history... The present is ever fleeting, and really cannot even be measured by time, because by the time you figured it out, it would be history and wouldn't matter anyway. People say, "stop living in the past" It's kind of a crazy statement, because there is no future... There is only "now" and "the past" When you think about how God knows our decisions, but chooses to let us make them, it's an awesome thing! It really puts everything into perspective, about how now is all we have, and when we reflect, even 30 seconds later, it's history. It also made me think about just how awesome our God really is! My friend just smiled, and I reflected back on an evening in Iraq I had, what seems now to be another lifetime... I was looking up at the night sky and was in awe of all of the stars! The stars were so bright, it was like there was a full moon, but there wasn't. I realized right then, that I was possibly staring at light that left that star in times where our Bible was being formed by events yet to happen, and maybe that star was long gone by now... I was staring at history that was alive and living. for a moment, until that light reached me. I'm not going to go into the whole light years, scientific thing, because that takes away from the mysteries to be unveiled. I'm pretty sure science hasn't gotten it all figured out either :) I kind of felt like I unlocked a secret that's always been right in front of me, that maybe I understand something a little bit better now. I also started thinking about how the past is boring, because there is so much of it! History is exciting to me, because a few left a lot to help us out in the now! These were people who were living in the now, and I think got a glimpse of our future, as a gift God presented to them. That's not for everyone though, so we should focus on the now, which is constantly happening.

There are so many things that we should have said, that we didn't... There are so many things that we should have done that we didn't do... If there is one thing I ask, it's to help me live these next few moments, how many ever there may be... To live them well!

Those were just some of the thoughts that I had yesterday evening, and I thought I would take some of that from my journal and share it here.

I'm in Belgium and France for the weekend... I was in Bastogne, Belgium this afternoon. A city of history! The battle of the bulge took place there... It's an amazing place, whose stone walls have seen so much! If only they could talk. :] I'm in Liege now, and will be heading to France in the morning. Time is going by too quickly I'm afraid... I will miss this place and the people I have met. I hope some relations will continue on with some for a lifetime. I have been praying that God's will be done in my life, as far as decisions to be made about moving to Europe permanently. There is a lot I would like to to try and get started back in the states, and MHCC is a priority, but if I get an official offer, I know it will be blessed by him, and I will take it. It's the unknown, and the unknown is exciting. My life seems to be at a crossroads right now, and there are dirt paths that run in all direction with signs that I can't translate, and then there are the major paved roads that look nice to travel on and safe... 14 days ago I started down one of those dirt paths, and what I found was something amazing! I'm not sure I want to get back on the busy streets again. I will though, if that's what comes to be. My life has forever been changed, and will continue to do so in the next 2 weeks I'm here before my travels back "home" What is home really? I think the saying, "home is where the heart is." sums it up nicely. I will reflect back on these times of thought and learning often, but will not live in them, but I will allow them to change me! To help me live these next few moments well!

What does it mean to "settle down"? I've heard that a lot lately, mainly about me. :) I sit here in peace and a smile on my face as I type these words. It's dusk here and I'm on my balcony looking over a field thinking about the comment to "settle down" I say... Not yet friend, not yet. There are still adventures to be had, and new lands to discover, new people to meet everywhere! Everyone has a story, take a moment and listen to one sometime. :) Rushing to a future that doesn't exist seems futile. Why think about what's to come, when there are millions of moments that so much can be done, and said and thought about.

What's happening in your moment?! :]

Until next time...

chow

Deutchsland

2008-08-14T07:12:00.002-04:00

Sooo... Exhaustion is taking its toll! Man, we've been working crazy hard here... I'm so wiped out, late nights and early mornings are really beating me up! I'm having a blast here though. This is more like a deployment with the military, because the work schedule is so insane. So yeah, it has been really cold here of late and I'm ready for some warmer weather. I've been swimming laps in the local pool, which they have an amazing pool!! It's more like UT's aquatic center, and makes every local pool in TN look like an above ground pool with a warped deck around it! LOL! I think I may be getting sick, because the water is freezing and it's cold outside, and the wind blows like crazy, and then I run home afterwards... I know, not smart... It's so much fun though, and running here is crazy cool!! :] I ran a whopping 19:37 3 miles yesterday after my swim... I was pretty pleased with that time. The day before that I was on track for an all time record of 17:30 and this yellow jacket comes out of nowhere, somehow lodges himself in my shoe then in my sock and proceeds to sting me about 10 times. I still made it back in 22 minutes, but my foot looks like it's retarded with this huge lump out the side and it itches like crazy :] LOL. Not like you care what so ever! :)

This past weekend I traveled the countryside of Germany some more... It was good! i have done so much stuff, that I can't even begin to put it all in here, because I don't have the patience... That would be a lot of typing, and frankly, I don't think that anyone could read the entire blog before they fell asleep! :]

But... I just thought I would write a quick little blogger and let everyone know how I was doing... I can't remember who all I sent invites to to look at the pics, so if you didn't get one and would like to view them online, just shoot me an e-mail and I'll send that right out. Be advised that there is some partaking in the alcoholic beverage arena, but if you've never been to Germany, then I could never help you understand. You'll just have to take my word for it... Or, come visit for yourself and drink carbonated water ALL day long! That stuff is freaking nasty! Hey, but the coffee here is amazing, and I'm enjoying that on a multiple time a day, daily basis! LOL :)

Until next time...

chow

Thoughts of You...

2008-08-06T03:47:00.002-04:00

Sooo... I was in this amazing church in Trier Germany... It was quite surreal, The church was beautiful and there was some comfort being there, even though it's just a building. I guess it's because that building's sole existence is for the worship of God and a place to go for rejuvenation. This German woman was mourning the loss of a loved one, the church was completely empty and here she sat alone in thought, praying no doubt. It was kind of weird, doing the tourist thing, when someone is going through such pain. She didn't mind though, and didn't even turn around to see who was coming in... She was in deep thought and prayer, and I respected that. I know that I would have been distracted, especially when someone took my picture.

My days have been pretty descent... I took a bad spill on a survey of a roof that wasn't stable come to find out. My back is wrecked, but I'll be fine I think. I'm on meds now, for the pain... There was no damage, but hey... I've heard that one before. :) I'm still going about my walking, running and all that, because I just don't feel like stopping! ;] Work is work as always, I'm still feeling the effects of jet lag, and it pretty much sucks!!! I guess there's really no other way to put it.

We've been doing a lot of hiking after dinner, that seems to be the past time, so we walk about 6-8 miles everyday through the woods on trails and into different villages all around us. It makes for a very relaxing time! I'm having trouble sleeping, go figure :] I thought maybe coming over to Europe might change that. No... it didn't! :/ My spirits are still pretty high, but I'm tired, and being sore and in pain kind of makes things crappy and wears on the ole morale.

I'm about to head off to a meeting on one of the bases nearby. At least we're staying busy... I don't have any deep thoughts :] Not that I ever do, but hey, I can pretend right? lol. Once I find some free time, which probably won't be until I get back to the states... I would like to take my best journal entries with some pretty good thoughts and post them on here. It doesn't really matter either way, but there is a lot to share and different things I've learned along the way.

Well, I'm off for now. Take care.

Until next time...

I miss ****

2008-08-04T11:33:00.003-04:00

Ghuten Tag!!

Well, it's been a little while... :] Things have been good, but hectic, and a little lonely at times! :/ All in all, there can't be any complaints, my life is good... I could think of a million different ways it could suck, but I want this attitude I've had, to last for a while. :] I'm in Germany, I arrived Saturday morning at about 140am Tennessee time. I was exhausted, and the jet lag really hit hard. The flight was good though, no complaints on my end anyway... I watched a couple of movies, ate, and wrote in my journal. The next thing I knew, we landed in Frankfurt! We went through quite the ordeal getting our rental car, and then finding the hotel. I have taken advantage of the American system of travel, and let me tell you, you're completely screwed over seas! First our company never reserved us a rental, and in Europe, they just don't have hundreds of cars available like in the states! So we finally got the car, and our maps, and loaded all our luggage and headed off for the wild blue yonder! :] It was quite the adventure! We checked into our hotel, and it's amazing! Not in the sort of way where it's really nice, even though it is that! We have multiple patios, with a resteraunt next door, everything is outside under covered tents, there are sidewalk cafe's everywhere, it's just a very active and outdoors centered place! Our hotel is out in the country, with about 40 of Germany's most exciting trails beginning and ending at our front door! My partner and I hike a little part of them every night after dinner... Of course, there's no air conditioning, and that's pretty much everywhere in Germany. The beds are twin beds, with smaller and thinner mattresses then what they have at Smokey Mountain Christian Camp. That's just how it is... Pretty crazy ;) Of course the power supply over here is different, and I forgot my adapters, that's why I'm just not writing any kind of blog or e-mail... I tried, until my laptop battery ran out... I have an adapter now, so I'm good! :]

This past weekend we went to Trier, Germany... The oldest city! It was astounding, and I'm into history, so just that was worth it for me... Later on, we drove to Luxembourg, Luxembourg... That is another great city and country!! Of course the only way to travel is on the autobahn! :D I averaged about 155mph the entire day and it was amazing!! I got to blow off some steam and have a reall race car adventure at the same time! It's so relaxing, and the driving is top notch here. Not that I'm a top notch driver, but I'm pretty darn good! LOL! After that we had to make a stop into France, so my weekend was pretty jet lagged and full! LOL! This weekend we have to catch a small hop into Prague in the czech republic... I'm actually looking forward to that more then anything! I've always wanted to go to Prague, and now it's going to happen, Lord Willing! :) Work is work, but I'm not going to complain... I'm just going to be exhausted after this trip and will need some down time! I have been taking a ton of pics and writing in my journal daily! I'm looking forward to putting pictures with journal entries, and maybe posting some of them later on in the future. I do miss home, and *people! I think it's good for me to get a way for a while, to kind of clear my head from the everyday things of Roane County. Don't get me wrong, it's a great place to live, there has just been a lot of stuff going on, and it was starting to wear on me... I'm excited to get back though, and not using this as a trip to run away at all!! I looked at this the whole time, as more travel time over seas, since it's been almost 2 years since my last extended trip, so that I can build up for the missions field! Haiti is coming up in Feb-Mar time frame, and even though it's only a week, it's still another experience. I'm excited for that the most!!

It's almost time to eat dinner... It's only noon in TN, but it's 6pm here and this guy is pretty hungry! :] I will be posting a little bit more often now... I'm looking forward to some good adventures and stories to add to the collection! I'm sure I have left a ton of things out! I wrote a journal entry last night, and I think I'll post most of it, because I never leave anything out in that. :) I also put some photo's up on myspace, but only a few out of 153... The connection here is crazy slow, but I'm working on it, to get the rest up!

Well, I'm off for now... Until Next time...

New!

2008-07-24T00:12:00.002-04:00

So... I'm not going to write in this as often... I need a break, and all my thinking has really driven me to exhaustion! I have changed the way i view a whole lot now, and most of this stuff is trivial and just isn't as important as other things I could be doing with my time, but instead I think and worry, and that's all I've been doing... I've wasted weeks doing this, and like I said, I'm exhausted to the point of depression... But I'm not going to be depressed, because I have a great life with problems of course, but non the less there are people in this town and this world who are so much worse off then me! I've always known this, but it hit me tonight and I got it!

Things will be fine for me... And if not... That's life! I'm good with that :] I've never been in control, so to think that I can do something about anything is pointless. I just have to do my best at what I know.

I'm good!

When will you be back?

2008-07-22T10:56:00.003-04:00

"When will you be back?"... "I don't know." It was said in an empty tone... We have to go away for a while, you know how this works. We've been through this a million times. "I love you!" "I love you too..."

The air was so dry and the night so black, it seemed like the flight was going to last forever! The only thing you could hear was the drone of the engine fighting the altitude and the woosh, woosh, woosh of the blades cutting through the night air. The headset chirped, a familiar voice said, "3 minutes!!!" The minutes were years and the seconds, days... Tension was high, perspiration increased, which seemed impossible in the freezing temperatures. "Green light" came the familiar voice... The doors opened, the air was so cold it seemed like it was trying to steal your inner being! "Go! Go! Go!" It's a strange sensation, falling through the night sky... No more noise, just the sound of wind in your ears. 1...2...3...4... pull! The ever so familiar sound of chords and fabric being pulled away from your back and the gentle but stern tug at your body... Just another day at the office. There was no moon out on this night, it was planned that way. The stars were so bright! To think that we were looking up at the same sky gave some comfort, and familiarity to this foreign place. The only thing visible was the snow covered ground approaching at a steady pace. She promised she would be looking up, and she always kept her word. Those were the moments and thoughts that really mattered... All this other stuff was just business, it meant nothing! The something was probably teary eyed praying for a safe return, staring up at the morning sky. It wasn't morning here though! No, that won't come for what will seem like an eternity! The ground was cold and hard... Unforgiving... It always was this time of year. This place might be beautiful if it were under different circumstances, maybe in another life! That second life might be sooner then later. "It's time to get to work!" The thought was quick coming and clear! "Link up, let's get this show on the road!" Within seconds, 8 brothers were at a slow and precise jog into calculated chaos... Chaos it would be, if we only knew the horrors that awaited!

It was a warm and beautiful day! The kind of day you dream about, one that you write down and etch into your memory, because you'll need that memory in the near future! It wasn't the kind of day you would imagine yourself being in a graveyard. Here we were... 8 brother's, together again! Only 6 would walk away.

Our days are never promised... Most problems are trivial... Why do we take life so seriously? We have a job to do, but some people make it a point to always make it more difficult... I'm tired and my heart is heavy... I give it over to God, only to be berated the next morning by new trivial and meaningless issues, most brought about by fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. The church family is supposed to be a place of peace and escape! Support from your life in the world fighting the battle! A place of refuge and love! I know, I know... "We Christians have the same issues to deal with, just like everyone else!" I've heard it a thousand times, but it still doesn't make it right! Why do we accept behavior that should be unacceptable? Why do we tear each other down? No one is innocent of it! It's a shame... We should feel ashamed!

I've made up my mind... I hope I don't regret it! I'm going to be vague... I'm not going to tell you the decision.

Eclipse

2008-07-18T23:58:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling the effects of exhaustion, and I'm absolutely drained... I had a pretty descent day, besides some new project deadlines that came down about 10 minutes before I left work today. I have an unheard of amount of work to get done by Tuesday, and I can't start until Monday... Oh yeah, did I mention the lock in goes until Monday morning... INGENIOUS I tell you! I'm already feeling like crap knowing how I'm going to feel Monday morning.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow, and hanging out with my friends!! I miss them, and need their company! I'm going to cut back on a lot of things and start hanging out with them more.

So, I just got back from a night with some new friends!! :] It was a great time, and some really good conversation!! Oh yeah, the food was amazing as well! I love home cooked meals :]

I'm tired, so this is short... I'm over it!

out ~

Half the time the world is ending, when the truth is, I'm done pretending!

2008-07-17T21:44:00.002-04:00

Another day another dollar! Man, today was not a good day!!!! I was so angry today, and I don't know why... I'm just fed up with a lot of stuff going on in my life, and I need to fix a lot of it. Some things I can't, but there are a few that I have direct control over, but I'm just a lazy person! I'm tired of being this way, and honestly it's effecting my everyday life... I've just been in a real slump lately, and it's getting old! I had a poor attitude all around, and really, I just don't care... I'm sick of people telling me that I need to be positive all the time, and always look at the bright side of life. There's some truth to that, but really, it's also an excuse for laziness! "Oh, don't worry about it, be positive... Stop thinking so negative!" I'm sick and tired of hearing that, because I'm a realist... Yeah, I love being positive, but it doesn't always work out like that and I'm not going to stick my head in the sand and pretend like everything is ok, when the world around me is falling apart! I'm tired of all this laid back attitude where everything "is cool man" "chill" Sorry, but that's not the world I live in, that's not my life... I wish it was, and think it's cool if you see things that way, but I have some stuff I'd like to get done, and if you don't feel the same way, GET OFF MY TRAIN, because we're moving on! Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest, because I've been dealing with utter bull crap these past few weeks, on top of everything else that came down the chute with it!

Tonight was the last night of VBS, and I had an absolutely amazing time!! I've decided to substitute for that age group when needed... I wish I could dedicate to actual teaching, but my work schedule is so sporadic, that's just not possible! I'm really starting to despise the corporate world, and how employees are treated, and it's all about the "bottom line"!! I'm so over the "all mighty dollar" So yeah, back to VBS... :] We raised over 500.00 in offering, which is pretty impressive for kids to do! JP got a pie in the face, and if we could have only raised about 420 more dollars, he would have shaved his head. None the less, I was pretty impressed with those guys, and how much they care! I guess I've never really given kids that young enough credit, and that won't happen again :] I'm glad VBS is over, but it's one of those double edged swords, because I had such a great time hanging out with them! It made the week hectic, but I never found myself once complaining, only because it was go go go all week non stop, but never about the kids. Sunday is closing ceremonies, and I hope everyone shows back up, because it might be a pretty interesting time :]

Well, not much has gone on besides that... I just got back from doing some well needed grocery shopping, and it's almost time to go to bed. These early mornings are a killer, but it's nice to be off in the afternoon and actually get to enjoy it! :) It looks like my traveling is going to pick up again here soon, and I'm going to be slammed with traveling after the fiscal year, into the new year! I'm not looking forward to that one bit, and as soon as my debt is paid off, I will definitely be continuing on with my main goal for missions. Lord Willing!!! If God wants me to stick around for a little while longer, then that's fine by me... I'm looking forward to getting back out in the field again though... I'm starting to get that itch of uneasiness, which isn't good. I actually looked into being a rescue swimmer for the US Coast Guard today, I called the Kodiak, Alaska office to ask what the criteria was. I probably won't do anything with it, but I knew something was up, because I need some adventure again. Oh well, it's good to keep your options open I suppose. I got a membership at the pool again! I'm going to get back into the shape I used to be in on dive team, I've missed swimming ever since I got out, but I'm going to get back into it. Once I get back into the swing of things, it might be fun to volunteer as a swim coach... These are all just thoughts and nothing I've looked into seriously, but it would be fun. :] I coached a team at the YMCA when I was in the military, and we had a good time in the pool.

Well, I will end this for now... Goodnight!

Until next time...

The ocean looks like a 1000 diamonds strewn out across a blue blanket, I wish you were here!

2008-07-14T23:04:00.004-04:00

Well, today was another day... Work was work, and I'm blessed with this job, but man... It's not for me! I need excitement and a constant change of pace. Outside of the military, I can only see the missions field being for me! I'm tired of hurting people and I want to start helping... I love people, I mean I really love them! Why is it so easy for me to hurt them? This has haunted me for some time now... I love VBS!! I felt like I was kind of roped into responsibility that I didn't want, but I wanted to help... I LOVE it! I love the kids, I have the 4th and 5th graders, and they are some of the coolest kids ever! I can hardly not keep smiling the whole time I'm with them, because they never cease to amaze me with the craziness that comes out of their mouths, and then they can spit out their knowledge of the Bible the very next second. :] That makes me happy, and I need that! These kids have helped me far more then I could ever hope to help them... I just try and show them some cool stuff along the way! I love them!!!

My dad got a 50inch plasma tv today and called me before VBS and asked if afterwards I could help him put it up on the mantel. I was like, "Thanks dad!" :] Anyway, it's an amazing television, and we watched some of the home run derby in HD on it... It was a very good time, and then my step mom had made this crazy awesome blackberry pie, she picks the berries when she goes out to walk the dogs... Anyway, my dad asked me how I was doing, and I tried to play it off, but he's a human lie detector. I spilled my guts out to him and Kay about what's been bothering me and just the situations that I've been put into lately. I couldn't believe the stuff I was telling them, but besides my journal, there's just no where else to go... There used to be a place, but it doesn't exist anymore and I told him that. He just smiled and told me he loved me, and that's how I know that he cares, because if he thought I was wrong, believe me, he would be the first to let me know. When I left, he said, "Sorry for opening that can of worms!" I thought I might have broke down, but I didn't... I guess knowing that he was genuinely concerned about my concerns made it kind of touching, even though we really don't have that whole kind of relationship. I can talk to my dad about anything, but I rarely talk about personal feelings like I did this evening. Kay is a good woman, because she just smiled and would nod her head in caring concern.

There's just so much going on, but in reality, not a whole lot, if that makes sense... Most of the stuff is going on inside of me, and it's hard not having any reassurance that things will be ok. I trust though... I trust that in the end everything will work out. I'm still here. :] How long is this going to go on? I don't think there is an answer, but whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. My heart is still heavy, but I'm trying... I'll never stop trying!

So for some reason I just thought about freedom... I want to be free! I used to feel that way, but not so much anymore, I feel like a prisoner. I don't know why, but I don't like it. Being a prisoner to anything really gets on my nerves... I don't know if you really know this about me, but I can't stand authority. I respect it, but it's my decision to... If someone try to force authority on me, I usually do the exact opposite, no matter the consequences just to even out the odds, so they know that I'm not obeying them because they demand it, I'm doing it to keep order and because it's my decision. When I'm tired of it, I'll stop... I think that scares people, the ones that know me anyway. I wonder a lot, where I got that from? I can't stand to be told what to do, things go much smoother if it's a collective decision. Is that wrong? It gets me in trouble a lot, but who would I be if I was any different... I like to be the wildcard, especially at work. It keeps people at bay, which is good for me, in the environment I'm in. Freedom sounds nice, to feel truly free through Christ, and in life in general. I long for that!

Well, I'm rambling... My day hasn't been anything special, but I think I will keep posting my days on here... Sometimes that's the only way to get out what you want others to hear, when everything else isn't possible. Yeah... my rambling has gone on for to long. Goodnight!

Until next time...

Be kind, for everyone you know is facing a great battle.

2008-07-09T17:44:00.002-04:00

Sooo... I used the same title as a previous blog, but it's so true! It puts things into perspective if you think about it! I've been thinking about that statement a lot lately. I don't really know where I'm going with all that, but I figured I'd say something about it.

I don't really get people... I have a lot of insight I think, into how people are, and normally have a pretty good instinct on things, but this week has been pretty insane at work. I work with some strange cats, and sometimes I just look at them, and say to myself, "What in the world are you thinking???" Heck, what am I thinking??? I need a new job, and a new life!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, but I don't think I'm going to add any of it in here... I just haven't put out a blog in a while, and I was bored... I'm pretty much in just one of those "it's whatever" attitudes. My week has pretty much sucked! I've been doing a lot of praying, and God has definitely answered a lot of those prayers through people just randomly calling me out of nowhwere... John Pryor was one of them, and just the things he said to me was direct confirmation that God was answering a question I had asked just a few hours before! To my knowledge, that hasn't happened before, but of course I've never been one to really pay attention like I have been these past couple of months. In a way, I'm probably going to be down and out for the next few weeks... There's just a lot of crap that has gone down... Why do things always come at you in two or three's?

Well, I'm done here... I'm not sure how often I will write in this thing. From now on, I'll try and only talk about good things.

Lakota

2008-06-29T15:39:00.003-04:00

So... This was an amazing week!! God was so present in every aspect of what was going on!! I have to admit, that besides devotions I didnt read my bible at all... I prayed and talked with everyone on the trip a whole lot, but none the less, God was always there! Of course there were some rough times, and internal conflicts, but the week was just awesome!! I can't stress that enough, and look forward to going back in the future, Lord Willing! The kids were great, and our group was definitely blessed by relationships that will blossom in the future! A lot of people got to see a whole other world, and it was good for them, heck, it was good for me to get back into caring about everyone except myself! I used up a lot of vacation time for this trip and have no regrets! It was a vacation, anytime you get to work for the kingdom of God, that's how I look at it! It was exhausting, and I'm beat, and not ready to start the week! I'm ready to go back, and wish that I could have never left! There's something to be said about hard work for the purpose we're on this earth for in the first place... It puts everything in perspective! Surprisingly, I don't have this high, that normally comes with the post mission trip... I'm at peace, and motivated more then ever! Thank you God!! Thank you for opening my eyes again, and for showing me something my heart has needed for a long time!

On a not so cool note... I got some news from a good friend, no one of my best friends... I'm not going to go into it, I just need to mention it, to clear out some cob webs! I don't know what the future holds, but I hope it's good! It doesn't look that way now, but what can I do? I'm cool with it, because I've decided to change my attitude back to a, "it's whatever status"... I'm more at peace with just rolling with the punches, and there's no need to get all worked up about things! I'm a little hurt by the lack of communication what so ever from the decision makers in this process... I'm keeping an open mind about things... That's for you! ;) It just sucks though! Anyway, it's all spilled milk under the table right?!

Well, I think I'm going to go for a run... I have some things o get off my chest, but my attitude and conscience are clear, and all this is in good standing with God, and right now, that's all I care about! You can't please everyone, and everyone can't please me! For once, I'm okay with that... I'm signing off now. I'll paraphrase a favorite quote of mine, by Edmund Burke.

"The only way for evil to prevail, is for good men to stand by and do nothing!"

Until next time...

No Name

2008-05-25T12:55:00.002-04:00

Sooo... It's been a while again. These past few weeks have been up and down. The bright side is, that I have enjoyed every moment of being home these past 3 weeks! It's so nice to not have to go on these trips every week. :) Having more free time on the other hand, leaves me able to recognize things that are going on in my life that I normally don't think about. I hate that I always feel not up to the task at hand! I know that I am more then capable, but I really feel like Satan is just constantly in my face putting non stop doubts about everything that I think about. I don't know, it's just one of those times that I feel overwhelmed about everything, because I'm so tired. I'm so sick of all this stuff... Anyway, my hot water heater is leaking again and my floor is soaked. My place is in disarray, and I really just need to get my act together. I could go on about a lot more stuff, but I refuse to keep complaining!

This weekend was the night commute for Invisible Children... I think that it went really well! We had about 20-30 people total, and at least around 20 do the actual walk through Kingston. Even if there would have been only 5 people, we would still be doing our job in raising awareness! It got pretty cold last night, and a lot of people were just miserable... I guess that comes with the territory. :)

On a darker note, I'm feeling discouraged about the whole IC movement in general. It's a lot of work, and some people have just been straight skipping out. It just makes it hard when the same people show up and it takes one hundred times as long because there's so much to be done. I feel like I have no place in pointing anything out, for fear of being judgmental. I guess it comes down to telling the truth and hurting people, or not saying anything at all, and everything goes on as usual. This whole movement is optional, but if you commit, it means it becomes a dedication. It doesn't mean show up whenever and pick and choose what and when you do it. I feel completely ineffective, probably like how any politician who means well feels, and then has all these do's and dont's added into the mix. Or maybe I don't know what I'm talking about and just suck! I'm willing to take that into consideration, but not to much, because I do pretty well in everything else. I think I was a pretty lame anything this weekend, because a ton of stuff had built up, and I just didn't feel like dealing with any responsibilities, or hanging out or anything really. Another event, another bad attitude, and yet still things went on. I'm glad for that. Thank God for that!!

Anyway, I'm going to pray a lot about all of this stuff... That's all I feel like I can do right now. Who knows, I'll probably delete this tomorrow, because I'll feel completely different. Or maybe I'll just leave it for a future reminder. That's why you shouldn't let emotions run your life, because they're fleeting!

Happy Memorial Day, and have a great week.

God Bless!

Until next time...

Highway Run

2008-05-11T14:46:00.003-04:00

Sooo... It's been a good little bit, since the last post. It seems like I've been so busy, with what I don't know :) These past couple of weeks have been up and down, but mainly up... I get into these moods sometimes, where it's kind of depressing but it doesn't last long, because I hate feeling like that! I've been reading my Bible every night before I go to bed, which is pretty exciting, because I had a pretty big lull in my personal studies for a good long while. I'm still optimistic for the things I almost foresee happening this summer and this fall! I can't explain it, but I think there may be a lot of opportunities to win a lot more people over to Christ! I really would like to see this Schools for Schools program really inspire the community to not only support that cause, but also look inward and help ourselves! We have so many people in need right here in our own back yard, and if people would just become aware of it, we could save a lot of lives both here and in Africa! By that statement, I mean our community here in Kingston and in Roane County... I have a really passion for the continent of Africa, but also locally here as well. It would be cool if we took care of each other, the way the apostles did during Pentecost! With that, it's almost like everyone has to be on the same page in witnessing to those who aren't Christians, because like every other aid program, you always have those that abuse the system out of shear laziness. I think affecting 1 life, even if a thousand abuse it, still makes it worth it though. Oh well, just some thoughts...

A few of us went and visited Victory Baptist Church today, after our morning service at MHCC... One of us spoke to the congregation about the S4S program and our night commute we're doing at the end of this month. I think it went really well, and the congregation was way more supportive then I thought they would be. I felt a lot of real sincerity out of most of the people that I met, and they seemed to care! I was surprised, because my experience in a baptist church has always been a stuffy one... I almost thought we would be criticized, but that never happened and it was a relief! I also felt the uncomfortable feeling visitor's often get when attending somewhere new, where they don't know anyone! It made me realize how important of a ministry it is, to greet people! I have a whole new respect for the greeter's at our church and how important their job really is, it's invaluable!!! With that, it made me think about why as Christians we don't make it a point to fix that problem? We're supposed to be a community, no matter what denomination. We all have the same instructions, so why are remedial things like greeting such an issue? Of course I don't have the answer, but I definitely felt awkward walking in, and having to go almost to the front row while everyone obviously knew we were not members! :D Of course the minister came up to us while everyone was singing and greeted us, which I thought was very cool, as well did a lot of other people when the choir sat down. We weren't ignored, but it was definitely an experience!!! I think that everyone should visit another church every other month or so, just to be reminded and also to get new ideas. Some people do things better and some worse, but we can all learn from each other! I think that I will make it a point to go around to different church's and visit. :) The awesome thing is that MHCC's service releases before most other's begin... Sure you miss Sunday school, but it's only one Sunday, and you get to meet people you normally would never know existed! Anyway, I feel really blessed to have been able to have that experience today :) Sure, I threw out a couple of AMENS during the sermon, but it was all in good fun ;)

Well, I think I will enjoy the windy weather before the storm moves in :) I love storms! I'm looking forward to church tonight, and also my 3 weeks without having to go back out on the road! I'm excited! Have a great week, and God Bless!

Unitl next time...

south dakota = good times?

2008-05-06T20:19:00.002-04:00

Trust in God, and everything else will fall into place! God's timing will not be off for even one day! I wish I lived by that every single day of my life... Hmmm... I think I've spent most of my life coasting through. I have a lot of guilt, but the more I pray, the worse it gets. It's hard to re-live the past every single day. I'm tired of it frankly! I guess there's some things you just have to let go of.

I wish I could take more of my own advice...

I'm still excited about what's to come, I just wish I could see the future! I'm tired of messing up.

Until next time...

Digital Sea

2008-04-29T21:36:00.002-04:00

Sooo... It's about that time again. It's almost been a week since the last blog, but it's felt like an entire year! A whole lot of stuff went down, mainly really crappy things, but that's life I guess. I learned a lot, at the expense of others though... I can honestly say that it was a great learning experience for me, but the thought that others got hurt in the process make it bitter sweet... Mainly bitter! It brought back a lot of terrifying thoughts that haven't crossed my mind in a couple of years. Very similar situations, except a couple of those guys didn't get to come back home to recover from it. Stupid mistakes that cost people in both situations a lot! It's hard to live with things like that, it's hard to move on and accomplish the mission that was first proposed! I don't know what's going to happen, but I trust that God will heal the hearts of everyone involved. Sometimes I really think that I'm losing my mind... Not that I'm unstable, but there could be argument in that statement as well, things just seem overwhelming at times. I wonder what in the world is next, and how the heck is all this going to work out? Trust and faith is a key element of course, but living a life of faith isn't exactly easy! You don't really know, until you try it out... When you do get to that point, you wonder why you tried in the first place, but things always seem to work out so you just keep plugging along. What a crazy world we live in... I couldn't imagine being one of the prophets back in the day! I wonder what kind of thoughts went through their mind on a daily basis? No wonder people thought they were crazy, I bet they did too. Man... until last week, I thought I had it together for the most part... Boy was I wrong! I wonder if I ever will?

Well... yesterday I was at work, and at about 1pm my mom called and said my grandfather was in the hospital... He had 95% blockage in his aorta, and they had to do an emergency procedure to save him. That wasn't to great of news, because this past year and a half has been hell for me and my family! My grandmother, praise GOD, is in remission from pancreatic cancer... We dealt with that for a year straight and were literally weeks away from losing her! She stayed in the hospital all last night with my grandfather, and I can't imagine how that was for her, seeing that she lived in a hospital for almost an entire year! My grandparents mean more then words can describe... I have a very unique relationship with them, and have never been apart from them except for my military service! A big reason I joined was because of my grandfather, he served with distinct service in Korea and lived through some of the hardest times a man could know! He dedicated his life to raising a family and grandkids and providing us with whatever we desired! He also was a firm foundation in our upbringing within the family of God! I owe most of who I am to my grandfather! I know that if anything were to happen to my grandparents, I would see them shortly in heaven, that I know to be a truth! However, I have also wondered if it would effect my personal relationship with God... Something that tragic happening, would definitely effect my life, and leave room for serious pain and suffering to enter in! I would like to say that I would move on, and I believe that, but it's one of those things I don't want to really put to the test. So it seems like things will go on for a little longer and that he will recover just fine... So it seems anyway... Needless to say, things haven't exactly been on the up and up lately! God never promised us happiness though, just eternal life... That's good enough for me, but also makes me wonder if any of the happiness I feel and have felt is truly real? It seems like when something good happens, it's shortly followed by something equally as horrific! I try to be positive on a daily basis, but is that even a right way to go about things, or is it just sweeping reality under the rug? In my opinion, the reality of life is hard! There's nothing easy about it... It's a constant struggle with only temporary peace at times. When I do find that peace, I hate to leave the moment and join everyone else back in the storm! Sad but true! Sometimes I feel like a coward, and probably am most of the time...

These are just some things that have gone through my head over this kind of cold dreary day... All in all things are looking promising, and I'm excited about life in general! Great things are to come, and I trust these hardships are training for the real task at hand. Whatever that may be! Kara brought up a good point in her latest blog... I'll try and paraphrase accurately from memory... She said that we spend so much time wondering where we're supposed to be in life, and maybe we miss the fact that we're right where we need to be! I thought that was some pretty good insight and pretty much applied to me at this point in my life.

Merlin: "Mav, they're right behind us!"
Maverick: "breathing into his 02 mask" visualize the darth vader sound...
Merlin: "they're going to get a lock on us!"
Maverick: "breathing"
Merlin: "What are you doing Mav, you're slowing down!!"
Maverick: "I'm going to hit the brakes and they'll fly right by"
Merlin: "you're going to do what???"
Maverick: "hits brakes, Mig flies by with a dumb look on the Russians face, Maverick blows him out of the sky!"

-Top Gun

The best movie ever made!!!

Until next time...

shock and awe

2008-04-23T15:07:00.002-04:00

Sooo... It's been a while again. Things are going ok, as far as life in general. But... My job is giving me so much trouble, and I'm pretty much miserable! I'm starting to get angry again, but am recognizing it and acting accordingly. It's funny how something as trivial as a job, can completely change your demeanor. I picked this picture out of the album today, it was from my Wyoming trip... I love the outdoors!! It's one thing that can always put a smile on my face :) I picked this picture because it portrays how I've been feeling lately... I'm lonely, and I feel cold on the inside, the light from the Sun is still lingering, but it's about that time of day. My loneliness stems from an understanding I came upon a few months ago... I'm trying to show it to others, but they don't get it! It's frustrating... I'm not trying to change them, but rather show them, things are not what they seem! There's a whole other world out there, that is still waiting to be discovered. There's a relationship with God, that for some reason, not many know about!! I'm not perfect, in fact I screw up on a daily basis... I'm lazy, have poor time management skills most of the time, I'm a liar, cheater, thief, slanderer, and a gossiper! I'm sure there's a lot more names as well, but those are the ones that come to mind right away... BUT... I'm excited, I'm excited about discovering this new route, that leads closer to the waters edge. I mean, I've always been able to see the water, but couldn't find a path that allowed me to come ride up to the edge and take a dip! I want everyone to have their eyes opened, I don't want to forget this new learning, nor the others as well!!

I've been told I come across as someone who is easily disappointed, a person people fear, possibly a quitter, and even someone who is mentally abusive... I never had an idea about any of this, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed in myself. My biggest question is "what's next"? How do you fix something you don't know ever existed? Do you take peoples words for it? When you're doing something unintentionally, and even when you look back, you can't figure out what you're doing wrong, how do you fix something like that? I'm really at a loss for words, and am trying to trust the people that have brought this to me, I'm pretty positive they would never say anything intentionally to cause me to fall or doubt myself. It's still hard though, because in my mind, thoughts of doubt and distrust are the first things to come up. Satan would love for that to happen, I know this for a fact! I'm not going to be the one to let that happen... Even if I do end up getting hurt in all this, it doesn't matter, because I believe in it! I'm not scared of those petty things!!

Anyway, this has pretty much what I've been dealing with the last couple of weeks... Except for the honesty session, that just happened the other night. I don't know where I'm going to go from here... Things have changed, there's new stakes at hand, and it's kind of exciting. At the same time it's frustrating, because everyone has a different maturity level... All of us are at our own place in life and with God! I do have enough wisdom, to realize that these are just growing pains! Sometimes growing pains seem more like labor pains to some though, and it causes problems... Nothing that can't be handled though.

"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger!"

Until Next Time...

Uneasy

2008-04-09T19:43:00.002-04:00

Sooo... I've been doing some thinking, I know, Crazy right?! :D I'm pretty much overwhelmed, and I don't know why... There are so many awesome things going on and I'm so excited for the next couple of months! Like I said in my last blog, there aren't words for how I feel, it's amazing! I just feel overwhelmed! I feel like things aren't going to be planned they way they should, or we won't reach as many people as we could, because of a lack of planning, or it just won't be successful and we will fail miserably!!! Honestly, I'm scared... No, I'm terrified and it just hit me a few minutes ago while I was doing more research on IC. It's a very unsettling feeling, and I think it's probably an attack from Satan. I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid that I'll wake up and be 80 years old and will have nothing to show for my life! I'm afraid that when I die, God will say that everything I thought I'd accomplished really turned out to be huge failures and I actually did more harm then good! What am I doing??? I'm having thoughts of failing, that I'm a failure and will always be one! Things are happening, HUGE things are about to happen!! There's a battle raging all around us, and I think I just realized I'm in the middle of it! I'm scared for everyone's hearts, I have these thoughts that a huge attack is coming and I'm worried now, like never before, that some aren't ready! That I'm not ready!! I'm doubting everything I've said in the past, and I fear that our unity is about to be tested!!!! The spirit inside me, the counselor is saying that we're going to be fine, to have faith, but you can't make others trust and have faith! What if we lose some of them??? The devil is saying that we're going to fail... I almost feel like I could be physically attacked right now! This is honestly the most terrifying feeling I've ever had!

I'm going to go and work out now, and think and pray!! I had to get this out, because I felt like I was going to burst from insanity!! Wow!

Good Times!

2008-04-07T00:33:00.003-04:00

Sooo... It's been a little while! A lot has happened since the last blog, but I can't hardly remember everything, so I won't try :) I do know that I've been traveling non stop and it's taking its toll on me! Man, I can't wait to have a couple weeks at home! I'm gone this week and next, and then have 2 weeks in my own bed! 2 straight weeks, that has to be a record!! :D

I had a good trip today, it was pretty uneventful... I'm in Mountain Home Idaho now, and it's pretty much frigid here! I'm ready to get back to the nice spring weather of Tennessee! I'll be in Las Vegas next week, and I hate that city... I have spent quite a bit of time there over the years, and the only time I thought it was cool, was the first time! I'll keep a positive attitude though, because it is quite the sight!

This weekend was another crazy one! I got home around 9pm on Friday, drove straight to the Gunter's house to drop the IC video off, and ended up staying until like 1am! :) It was a really fun time though, and I enjoy Bill and Michelle's company, they are true role models and I learn a lot from them, just by their attitudes! But yeah, I got home really late, then woke up and spent the entire day at church on Saturday! That was an absolutely exhausting day, but it turned out so good!! We showed the IC rough cut movie and I think it hit home with a lot of folks... Hannah M. got up after the movie and gave a brief presentation and introduced the Schools for Schools program and all the leaders of the IC committee. I was very impressed, because she was so nervous! Hannah knew what she had to do though, and in spite of all her fears, she pulled it off with flying colors! I'm SOOOOO proud of each and every one of the representatives who have taken it upon themselves to make this thing happen! The awesome ideas keep coming and I'm looking forward to this summer and everything these guys come up with!

I have so much going on in my life right now, and the days just fly by! I don't really know how I feel about all that, but it's going well so far :D I decided for sure, that I'm going to go on the Lakota missions trip in June! I'm pretty excited and at the same time know that I will be convicted more then ever to go to Africa! That place is my calling, I know it, and always have! I can't explain it, it makes no sense! I need to be there though, and Lord Willing will be one day, very soon!

I'm in such a good mood and have been lately... I'm just so motivated by everything that is going on! I don't have words, but just wild thoughts about a movement that could so easily grow out of control! It makes me so excited to think about, to be on the tail of something that's blazing full speed ahead with no reservations as to the length and time it will go! Anyway, this probably makes no sense, but I don't care, because I had to get out a small amount of what I've been feeling lately!

Well, it's getting late, and I have to get up really early!! I hope you all have a great week!! God Bless!!

Until next time...

Shadow

2008-03-25T13:01:00.003-04:00

Sooo... It's been a while since I have written a blog. I think about writing one every single day, but I never do. I keep telling myself that I don't have the time, but I really do, my time management skills have just been poor lately!

Do you ever get down on yourself? I'm not talking about being too harsh or self judging, I just mean feeling comfort in being sad or depressed... I get like this sometimes... I have feelings that make me sad, I re-live events that have happened in my past over and over and I don't much care for it. Sometimes I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing, so why even try. These things have been really bothering me lately, and as much as I know they are just attacks, it's getting tiring fighting all the time. There's so much to do, and it just doesn't seem like there's enough time to get it all done. Pretty Frustrating! Why do I feel more comfortable in pain, then I do in a truly comfortable situation? Is it because it's more familiar, and I know how to deal with a struggle?

There's a ton going on right now in church! There is this huge concert event coming up in April, and I think it's going to be awesome! There's so much work that needs to be done before hand though! Man, where to begin! It will all be worth it in the end though, and I'm extremely optimistic for everything that is about to happen! I absolutely love the motivation of this youth group at church, there joy in helping out with things that otherwise, would not be fun!! :) I can't speak highly enough about the the peeps I have gotten to know over these past few months! :D

I think I have decided to finally finish my pilots license! I've always wanted to be a bush pilot, and it also makes me marketable for the missions field, not that I want to be an actual missionary, but I want to support and protect missionaries and other people who are good in this world! I have always known I'm a great leader, not to brag... But... I'm an even better servant, and I highly enjoy serving others! I also like to lead, but not be in the spot light you know? I'm looking for a job where I can serve, but also lead at the same time, and being a pilot in the bush has both of those qualities! I also just like the idea of being in the middle of nowhere in a 3rd world country. It puts things into perspective, and makes you realize what's really important! I've kind of lost my way in that department! That's what I loved about the military... You knew who was your friend and who your enemy was also! Friendships meant the world, family was everything, and there wasn't any time for ladder climbing or bridge burning. Life was extremely complicated, but the most simple I have ever lived to date! I miss my team, and have missed them since the day I walked out the door! I have been missing those guys, alive and not, a lot lately. I've been thinking about them way more then usual!

Nothing much has been going on besides that! My life is insanely busy, and I'm looking forward to a nice break, whenever that may happen! I'm pretty sure I will be going on the missions trip to Lakota, SD. I think that it will be some long deserved therapy and maybe get things back into perspective as far as re-motivation for saving the world, or at least die trying ;)

Well, I will end this for now, I hope everyone has an outstanding week ahead of them! I will leave you with a little saying that was posted on our team room wall.

"When the impossible has been accomplished, the only thing left to do is take another mission no one else will try!"
-NightStalkers

Until next time...

Eternity!

2008-03-08T14:26:00.005-05:00

Sooo... I just had an amazing weekend!! I got the privilege of spending it with a bunch of really dedicated and awesome people!! The youth group at MHCC is fantastic, and I'm so proud of these guys! I was kinda sad to see this weekend have to end, because I have to leave for California tomorrow and continue on with the my life, which I'm not to happy about! :( This was just an awesome time, and I wish that it were 2 nights and not just 1!! It snowed like crazy last night and just got really cold!! I loved it! My hope, is for these guys to be so motivated and energized from this weekend, that they bring it back with them, and not just for a couple of days, but for the weeks and months to come! I'm excited to hang out with these guys more, and attend more of the events that they have going on!

One of the biggest things about to happen is the School for Schools by Invisible Children! Hannah F. decided to take the lead on it, which is awesome! I'm so pumped to see the progress to be made in the near future! I'm at a point in my life, where I have an awesome job in the works... At the same time, Invisible Children is starting an intern program this fall to go to Uganda! I'm seriously thinking about taking it. I have some serious praying to do about all of this! I know that my life is meant for something more then just this, what I'm doing now is not a life for me, it's not what God wants for me! Don't get me wrong... This job is amazing financially, and it has really helped me out! It's a blessing, and I'm blessed to have it, but it's not what I want!

Man, I am just so energized by last night and today! I still think the group has a lot of "soul searching" to do! With the leadership of certain individuals, I now it will happen! There's something there keeping people from stepping off the ledge into the unknown for Christ! Who isn't being held back though... The important thing, is that we strive to break down those barriers, to mend our hearts, and fight for the victory that Christ has set before us! I'm in a great mood, and I know that it will carry over into the week, and I am truly a lucky individual to be able to experience the friendship and love of the youth group! I wish that I could be in this moment and the weekend moment for life! Oh well, I'm looking forward to more awesome times!!

I hope that everyone has a great rest of the weekend and an awesome week!! A small quote to end...

"In eternity nothing is past and nothing is future, but everything is present only"

-Philo of Alexandria

Until next time...

Scramble Channel

2008-03-05T21:12:00.003-05:00

Sooo... Another day another blog. I feel like dirt right now, I think that my cold is getting better, but my body aches and it's fighting me to stay alive! I'm about to go to bed, and this is a completely random blog! I probably won't say anything on here that's useful what so ever, and really don't care at this point! I'm a little frustrated, mainly because I'm trying pretty hard to be that person, I should be! Why do I get so down on myself??? I'm fed up right now, mainly because I don't feel good, I think! Anyway... what's the point in my life, and why can't I just know what I'm supposed to do? My job is really stressing me out right now, and as much as I try not to let it get to me, it does! Some of the people I have to deal with are absurd! Things are not fair what so ever... I can get by just fine, it's other people who are constantly getting screwed, that's what angers me! You have these young un-educated punks getting away with murder because they're family and you have these older seasoned engineers getting the shaft! My first instinct is to kidnap and torture these people until they agree that they're completely screwed up in the head, more so then my last thought, and to get their act together! I don't belong in a job where I have to put up with this nonsense! Why can't people have integrity??? Why does it seem like the majority of people will beg, borrow, and steal instead of earn an honest living? I'm over it!! Obviously I need sleep, because I'm sounding crazy even to myself! I HATE injustice... It infuriates me into a murderous rage!!! I don't know how else to put it. I want to do horrible unspeakable things to those that abuse the system for their own good!

I wish I felt as peaceful as when I was in the mountains skiing! I still feel chaotic now...

I went to the high school youth group tonight, and it was really good. It was uplifting and encouraging, I really felt God's presence there. It was amazing! I felt a fog over the place though, much of how a lot of my life feels now that I've taken notice... I felt fear in that room, I know this because I can sense fear and will be the first to admit when I'm scared. I'm not going to toot my own horn, but I used to be very good and very efficient in my old life, and I now fear!!! There are people in this group that are scared to death of something! I think until they confront these fears, they will never accomplish what there's so much talk about. I pray for them, and maybe will even see what's up at the 30 hr famine, or at least try to be encouraging! I feel alone, because out of my youth group, I'm the only one left at MHCC. What happened, I know of course, some are at other church's but still... What happened?

Until next time...

Be kind, for everyone you know is facing a great battle. -Philo of Alexandria

2008-03-04T16:20:00.002-05:00

Sooo... It's been a while since I've posted a blog. I've been extremely busy, but most importantly, I just can't seem to get thoughts together to write about things all the time! I would probably keep a lousy journal, so that's why I don't! ;) I just got back from Wyoming, Colorado Springs, and Vail! What a great trip, minus having to work, everything was awesome! :D I asked if I could possibly get a summer project out in CO. because I loved it so much, I could definitely see myself living there for the summer! Hopefully that works out, and it would just be amazing!!! Life has been moving along at a fast pace lately, and I'm not sure that I like it... Everything is just a blur and it seems like there isn't enough time in the day to accomplish anything what so ever! My walk with God is continuing to grow stronger, and I'm still reading, "Awakening the Dead" I would have to say that I'm happy at this point, but not content! I don't know if that's wrong or not... I'm just not settled about my current situation in life. I know that there is more out there for me, I just don't know where! I don't even know what I'm trying to say in this thing, actually!!! It's kind of frustrating... My grandmother is still doing well, and is cancer free for the time being... Lord Willing forever! My friend Tiffany is doing well also, even though she can't walk yet... My friend Josh, whose father is like a second dad to me is recovering from surgery from prostate cancer... It just makes me wonder where it all ends! 3 people that I'm extremely close to, all with cancer, or recovering, or just waiting! Why??? I'm not down and out or anything, it just seems chaotic... My life seems chaotic! Being home a week every month really sucks, traveling all over the country has some perks, but not as many as coming home every evening. I'm sure I will always travel, because I go stir crazy in an office, but living in a hotel gets old! Then there's all this business with the forming of one world governments and what not, and it makes you wonder if the end is closer then ever before, or will there be a couple thousand more years... When does the world suffering stop, and why don't more people care? I was thinking the other day, what a waste it is, that us, being America, don't have issues with demonic presence as much as other countries... What does that say about our society, that we can be so easily distracted by television, what Hollywood star is dating who, where's Brittany Spears at today??? How pitiful is that!!! :( That's it though, that's what we're absorbed by, Satan doesn't even have to deal with us, he just hints to turn on the tv and numb or minds! We get rallied together for a great cause, we're motivated, then... Another school shooting and we watch FOX News for the next 5 days! Or... Brittany goes to rehab again! It just frustrates me! I feel numb, I feel like there is this huge filter that blocks all the goodness of this world, of God!! When I do feel touched, or motivated, it feels dirty... It doesn't seem 100% pure! I guess what made me think about this, was a friend of mine who had a recent bout with anger. She said that it made her feel like puking, so she did, and felt relieved. It made her want to break her fingers, but she didn't ;) That's a good thing... I was scared for her, but also almost rejoicing, because she was in direct conflict with Satan's plan, whatever it was! It meant to me, like she was doing something amazing, something that terrified the other side! I would so much rather deal with that, then another political debate between Hillary and Obama. Why, because you can fight that, you're there on the front lines! I may sound crazy, but that's what life is about, being in the fight!

Can plunder be taken from warriors, or captives rescued from the fierce? But this is what the Lord says: "Yes, captives will be taken from warriors, and plunder received from the fierce; I will contend with those who contend with you, and your children I will save. I will make your oppressors eat their own flesh; they will be drunk on their own blood, as with wine. Then all mankind will know that I, the LORD, am your savior, your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.
-Isaiah 49:24-26

I think that we have surrendered without a fight... There's a song we used to sing that went "Onward Christian Soldier, marching as to war!" We have given that up for a song I have sang many times growing up and in junior church especially. It goes, "I may never march in the infantry, ride in the cavalry, shoot the artillery, I may never fly over the enemy but I'm in the Lord's army, yes sir! What kind of Army doesn't do any of that??? Not one that's on the winning side!! These are all points made by John Eldredge, ones that have opened my eyes to the battle going on all around. These subtle things we adopt in church do nothing that is of use to the Kingdom! The church has let us down I think... The subtleties passed along that weaken our hearts are not that from Pagans, but from elders... It would be easy to dismiss the pagan, but not the elder! The truth is not easy, it never has been! Here is what my man John says about the spirit, and testing it. "If it doesn't bring freedom, and it doesn't bring life, it's not Christianity. If it doesn't restore the image of God and rejoice in the heart, it's not Christianity."

Anyway... What do I know, I'm still learning! That last statement was a bunch of crap!! I know a ton, I know in my heart, that God speaks to me through those teachings, I know it as being a truth!! I hate when people aren't confident, it's pure weakness, weakness that could have been avoided by preparation! That's all I have for now... I'm tired and may be coming down with a little sickness. I'm on all kinds of homeopathic remedies, and hopefully will be over this by tomorrow!

Until next time...

City of Blinding Lights

2008-02-23T11:57:00.000-05:00

"Things are not what they seem.
This is a world at war.
Each of us has a crucial role to play."
-John Eldredge

Sooo... I just got back from New Mexico, what a trip. I'm completely drained and kind of glad that the 30 hour famine was pushed to a later date. Only though, because I would have nothing to offer, I would be completely self absorbed with the things going on in my head! I think in the end, it all worked out in the end. I'm not sure what the actual reasons were... I don't really care, because it's probably one of those really dumb reasons... I could be wrong, but when JP doesn't elaborate, that usually means he is frustrated. Schedules people!!! That's why we make them, that's why you obsess about them, but when it suits your personal needs, it's ok to bust it. Yeah, yeah, I'm off my soap box now. You know I'm right though! Don't forget the 30 hour famine is bigger then us, fortunately we have the option to put off starving ourselves for a schedule change! Yeah, I'm a little upset, if you can't tell. If you think I'm being a little irrational, maybe you need to find something to be passionate about!!! Just think about it, that's all I'm asking!
This trip to New Mexico was one of the most difficult things, mentally, I have ever put myself through, and it's no where near over! There is so much left to do... The good news is I was cleared on everything, there is just weeks worth the paper work yet to be done, and then the issue of background investigations for the length of 10 years into my life. This is difficult and a potential hang up, because I've been to a lot of different places in the past 10 years. Anyway, it's a little overwhelming, and I temporarily keep forgetting that it's in Gods hands! :) I have a lot going through my head right now, and the psychologist said the same thing... The entire 2 hour interview, I just kept trying to relate all these "issues" I supposedly have, with the question, "why"? And... What is God going to do about it? I mean, these are traits I think I have always had, I think God instilled these things in me, unfortunately the freaks in white coats think they may be problems. I was cleared, but I had to do a lot of explaining! That's all I'll say about that. ;)

Anyway, I've still been trying to figure some things out in my own life... I've been extremely optimistic and positive, which is not an easy task for me. I'm trying though, because it's so much easier to be happy, then not! I really need to do devotions in the morning! That's all there is too it!!!! I'm lazy!!! Why is it easy for me to go out and pass the most difficult interview of all time, but I can't pick up my freaking bible and read it???? Why is there a small voice in my head that keeps saying it's ok... This voice tells me, that because I'm reading a Christian book, about how to find my heart, it's ok to not do your devotions. MAN, we really are at war on a daily basis! Heck, more like every second of the day!

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23 NIV

Is it wrong to not have a path in life? I have goals, and I think they are pretty cool ones at that, but it's not a path! I feel like I'm in a vacuum, where a feather and marble fall at the same rate of speed. I really care about my purpose, and maybe it's just going to take patience and that's what God is teaching me, maybe He is preparing me for something, or maybe I've missed the whole point and am stumbling around in the dark like an idiot, because I didn't bring enough batteries for my flashlight! Hmmm...

"For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them." - Matthew 13:15

Is this me?

Notice He didn't say forgive, but "heal"! I think our hearts are important to God, more important then we're told or taught!

I'm looking forward to church tomorrow! I have to leave again in the afternoon though, to go to Wyoming. I think it will be a good trip, and I love going out west, so I'm somewhat optimistic. It would be nice to be home again though! :) Since the 30 hour famine banquet, a.k.a " The V-Day banquet" had to be postponed I will be unable to make it... I'm a little bummed, because I really enjoy church gatherings, but I'll be skiing in Colorado enjoying God's creation from 12000 ft! I'm extremely excited!! The good news is, I will be home for the new date on the 30 hour famine, and believe it will be amazing! I'm looking forward to it! Well, that is what I've been thinking upon, more to follow I'm sure. I will, again, leave you with another quote:

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible."

- Lawrence of Arabia: The Seven Pillars of Wisdom

Until next time...

The Last Remaining Light

2008-02-17T12:09:00.001-05:00

Sooo... Today was another great day! You know what the problem with too many great days is? Since you asked, I'll tell you... There's bound to be a really crappy one coming up soon! Is that a poor attitude to have or what! I'm trying to get over that part of myself! This may or may not be the last use of pictures from this album I found, but since it was of the spaghetti dinner many moons ago, I thought it was appropriate that I use it... Only because we were supposed to have a spaghetti dinner tonight. Unfortunately a funeral took the place of that! Ben Hackett died on Friday morning around 0230... What a great man!!! I had the privilege of knowing him almost my entire life! I'm happy for him, and have been thinking the past couple days, what he is doing in heaven??? I do that a lot when people pass on, people I know with out a doubt, are with our Lord!! Ben was awesome and will be missed greatly, but only because he was a constant at MHCC, a real inspiration to everyone who knew him! I spent my entire young life at MHCC sitting behind Ben and Louise in the same pew every Sunday morning!! I guess it's kind of morbid, but when i hear of people like Ben Hackett passing on, I long for death myself! I feel extremely selfish when I have these thoughts, like I'm looking for an easy way out... None the less, I have them and am anxiously waiting for my turn!

Anyway, Dennis' sermon was amazing as usual! I am constantly being motivated every Sunday, by D, as well as Billy G. These are two great teachers and friends! I learn so many lessons with every sermon and class... I enjoy the challenges to live better lives, and also see others have a lot to learn in their thinkings! We have way to many people who believe we are inherently evil! That really gets on my nerves, it causes people to constantly doubt themselves and have low self esteem about their relationship with Christ! How can you accomplish anything, when you are constantly being told your an evil person and only by the grace of God, you have any right to even breath! What a crock! We are created in God's image, to be beautiful, and reflect His glory and power! We are good, and sin has caused a stumbling block we must avoid and run into every day! That's all it is... We are all to be great for the kingdom of God, not struggle and wallow in our "evilness"!! I feel sorry for those that think that, because until a few weeks ago, I thought and have been taught the same thing! It's extremely liberating to know that is a lie! To know those thoughts are not from God and the Holy Spirit! I'm not evil!!!!

I have a job interview coming up this week... It's something that would be amazing, especially if I got to stay in the Oak Ridge area... Not that I need a job, but my calling is not what I'm doing now, and probably isn't even what I want to do for this present time, but I think it will help me accomplish my true desire in the future!

These are just some of the things that have been on my mind the past few days... Actually a lot more runs through my mind, but those are other topics for other times! ;) For now, I will enjoy this sleepy, rainy Sunday afternoon in peace!

I'll leave you with another quote...

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy course; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

-THEODORE ROOSEVELT (Paris Sorbonne,1910)

Until Next Time...

Arms Raised High

2008-02-13T17:25:00.001-05:00

Sooo... I was going through some old pictures on my computer and low and behold, I found a file I never knew I had put on there! :) It was all of these old junior high pics, when I used to help Kristen L. out ;) I'm not sure who took this, but I thought it was pretty funny, especially because it was like 2 years ago or something! It made me smile none the less :)

Anyway, I've been having some problems at work lately, and trying my best to keep a good attitude about things... Life pretty much sucks sometimes, and those are the best words I can find right now. It's pretty sad when there is so much favoritism going on in the work place, that it's making everyone disgruntled! I think it's just starting to wear on me, along with all my other coworkers! Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of it all, because these individuals are under me... It really makes me not want to do anything during the day, but just sit and collect a paycheck, like these individuals do! The bad thing is, I have integrity and morals... I feel extremely guilty if I'm not productive. This brings me back to John Eldridge's book, "Awakening the Dead", I asked myself today.... "Self, what part of this epic story am I in now, what chapter is this?" ;) I came to the conclusion that I'm in the unfair, boring part of every book, the part that it takes forever to get through!!! It's crazy, because those boring parts of the book, always set up the final chapters for the most excitement... It's just really painful to get through it. You guys know what I'm talking about :) I'm really hoping that this part of this particular chapter is setting up for something really cool to happen! Surprisingly, my attitude has been good throughout this whole ordeal, because normally I'm thinking about killing someone at this point! :) I've really tried to keep a strong hold over my thoughts and emotions, by not entertaining violent thoughts! I'll let you know how that works out ;)

I learned another new truth from this book... I was wrong about my inadequacy, that's not what I'm afraid of!! My real fear, and I stated it already, is my fully being alive, the glory that God gave me being fully seen! My true face unveiled, hiding nothing, but yet with humility knowing it's undeserved! I came to that truth in my reading last night, before bed. I can't deny it, it's 100% true! Where to go from here is the question :) What is my name, the one that God gave me? I think that's the biggest question right now... Who am I? Dennis touched on this Sunday night. We had to draw these little pieces of paper, and then look at them later on in the lesson. When I opened mine, it was a real shocker ;) My piece of paper had the word "aggressive" written on it. Wow, it was almost as if God had picked that one for me. Of course most people's didn't have anything to do with them... Was it just a random occurrence? Who knows... It was definitely a name that I carry, and my dad laughed when I showed it to him :) I've been distracted here, as I type, and don't want to lose my thoughts in a jumbled typed up mess! These are just some things that have crossed my mind lately... I'll leave you with a quote.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Nelson Mandela

Until next time...

Sunday... Bloody Sunday

2008-02-10T14:30:00.000-05:00

Sooo... It's Sunday, and church was amazing! Dennis had a great sermon as always, and Billy's Sundays school class was as enlightening as ever. :) John Eldridge is still teaching me new things daily, and the friends and support in general is awesome at MHCC! It seems that things are going great, but there's so much more that has to be done. Where do you begin in the list of "To Do's" ? Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility I need to to take in this world! I know my capabilities, but for me to push the envelope in life, is a little frightening!! I'm afraid of what God would show me! When I go back and read what I just typed, I feel like a fool! I have spent a lot of time trying to find out what I'm supposed to do in this life, and in the back of my mind, I have an idea... I know if I explore it, that God will make me who I'm supposed to be, and that is scary! I have always had an idea that my life would be in support of something HUGE, and like the feeling of inadequacy I admitted to having the other day, I'm scared I won't be up for the challenge! I don't want to let people down, I don't want others to die for my mistakes, I have and have had a heavy spirit on that subject for a long time! I love the adventure though, and when I get my worldly debt paid off, I plan on pursuing God's ultimate Will for my life, having nothing else to be held back by, to be free to be carried off anywhere in the world, and in the end, die doing something worth while... Everyone dies, I know this and there is no fear in that for me.

Anyway, in class this morning, a lot of people brought up issues concerning this bubble we live in, and how they feel helpless that those less fortunate are being forgotten! I don;t really know what that was about, but I was just thinking to myself, "open your eyes!" "If you want to make a difference then do so!!!" I think that Satan does a really good job at keeping us self absorbed within our own little worlds! I see people who I respect a lot, having trouble with their younger teenage kids... Sometimes I wonder what would happen, if you didn't get so wrapped up in their petty problems, and the "drama" that everyone talks about from school. What if you kept looking for opportunities outside of your "bubble" and let them deal with their own "he said, she said issues"? I don't have kids and don't know if I ever will... I would not begin to try and give advice on that subject... These are just thoughts I have at times, in case that does ever happen. I wonder if it would teach them to get over the minor "school and friend issues" quicker, because they have an example of a parent always striving to try and make a difference. Just some random thoughts I started having this morning, as I listened to people bring up their number one distraction, "kids" ;)

I just finished watching the movie, Mr. Brooks! What a crazy movie :):) I liked it though, it was right up my alley. A crazed sociopath! :D

Well, I'm going to change and go for a jog on this Beautiful Sunday Afternoon! I'm excited for church this evening, and more of D's teachings!

Until next time...

Tub of lard

2008-02-09T00:31:00.001-05:00

Sooo... I just got back from a fun filled 2 weeks in New Mexico. Man, what a relief it is to finally be home! I'm so ready to get into my own bed, it's not even funny! I hung out with a few friends I haven't seen in like a month and that's always cool, I just wish we could hang out as much as we used too! It's just hard now, because I'm never home and they have busy lives as well... Growing up kinda sucks! ;)

Anyway, I've been on this diet for about a month now... It was really difficult at first, but now it's nothing. It was part of a New Years resolution, one to get back into shape and also change my life, to know God like I used to, and strive for more!! I've been reading this book, Waking The Dead, by John Eldridge. I've learned so much and actually am leading a happier life because of the new outlook I have on things. I hope that by the end of the book, I will have learned a life changing lesson and will be a better son to our Father for it! :) I definitely like analogy that our life is an epic story, life is an adventure and a gift! When I'm in a rough spot now, I just ask myself," what chapter of the story am I in now?" Not only does it help, it lightens the mood! I'm in between a rock and a hard place, what's next? It helps me persevere through the difficult times, and enjoy the good times that much more! It makes me want to strive towards the adventure God has always wanted for me, to get my heart back into the race! I've always had a hard time, with feeling inadequate... I don't know why, but even if I do something amazing, I always feel as if it isn't good enough and am embarrassed by the accomplishment or lack there of. I feel this way even more so in my walk with God! Nothing is ever good enough, the more I try, the worse my life gets, Satan hits me hard and in terrifying ways! I get over it, go back to God and things are even worse! I'm never good enough... Then, when I feel really great about things, God, Life, Etc... I feel like maybe I'm just luke warm in His mouth, because things are too easy! I must not be doing something right! I struggle with this constantly, and it's because somewhere along the way, I lost my heart and I want it back! I will fight to the death to get it back! I'm tired of always having an attitude of lacking! I'm sick of not feeling good enough, I'm just exhausted and need to God to shelter me for a while, while I get my strength back! I'm looking forward to the near future!

My friend Hannah has pretty much raised the minimum amount of money to qualify for the study abroad program in Africa! :) I'm so excited and proud of her!! It's only been a couple of weeks, and she has gone out and raised a pretty large sum of money for a full time student! That shows true dedication... She came up with a goal and achieved it, now we just have to find out how to get her the rest of the way! There are so many amazing things going on with the youth group at church! These guys are working hard and trying their best, in a world that does everything possible to side track them! I'm proud to know them, and will do my best to encourage further growth! I believe that we are headed for some amazing times side by side with God, and the youth group is pretty close to the tip of the spear! AWESOME!!!!! ::))

Until Next Time...

LOVE LIKE ROCKETS ---<--->

2008-02-04T20:31:00.000-05:00

Sooo... My weekend was awesome!!! It started out, by me going to White Sands National Monument, which is just an amazing place!!! It was so good!! Anyway, I got some great photos, one of them being above! Then... THEN, I went to Taos, NM and ski id my heart out! 110 runs, in powder up to my waist, can it get any better then that??? Since you asked, NO, it can't! :) Anyway, it made me think about how awesome God is, and how he is just as much of an artist as anyone! When I'm in unmistakable places like I am now, there's just no denying it!! How blessed I am to have gotten to witness as much as I have in this beautiful world!!! I'm speechless on that topic!!

Anyway, I'm pretty much forgetful and scatter brained as ever today! Today was pretty cool, but like any other day, there were some pretty serious problems! I got multiple phone calls from another team I have, in concern with lack of planning! I really ripped into a guy, for just being an idiot! I apologized later, but then started thinking, why did I just apologize? It made me feel weak! Not for the apology part, but because he really messed up, and this isn't the first time! Everyone always covers for this guy, and it makes me sick! Why did I feel like I had to apologize! I hope it was the right thing to do, I'm just on this mission to have and keep a good attitude, to just better myself and my walk with God, to be serious! I really think I'm going to have a stern discussion with this guy tomorrow! I think my apology made him feel like he had one up on me, and didn't correct the issue! I don't know, I'm confused and really don't know what to do about it! I had so much more to say, but got side tracked once again! ;) I hope everyone has a great week!! Maybe when I can understand what I'm trying to say, I'll get back on here and put up another post!! :)

Whoa!!!! SLOW DOWN!!

2008-02-01T13:20:00.002-05:00

Sooo... Today was about 100 times better then yesterday! I'm refreshed from 10 hours of sleep, and woke up ready to be positive! I absolutely crashed when I got back to the hotel after work yesterday! I still had these crazy dreams last night, not so much nightmares, but really frustrating. I would never talk about them, because everyone would think that I'm insane! ;) They may not be too far off on that assumption though :) Anyway... I woke up, had breakfast, and got to work right away! We finished early, which is always awesome, and now my two partners are out eating lunch. When they get back, we'll take a little road trip and enjoy the rest of our Friday! Then, tomorrow, we're going skiing up in Taos, NM! It's going to be amazing, and I can't wait!! Skiing is a huge hobby of mine, and I try to ski at a different place every time I go! I've been everywhere from little ole Snowshoe, WV to Japan and New Zealand! I went to Lake Tahoe, CA earlier in December, and that was a great way to start off the season! I won't rant and rave anymore about me skiing, most do not find it interesting, and I don't want to be one of those individuals who go on and on about something that is boring! Except to me that is! :) Did I say that I love to ski? Just checking! :D Yesterday was a learning experience, and besides my complaining on this blog, I handled it way better then ever before! Enough about the past though...

I have trouble living one day at a time, and always have... I have always had so much to look forward to, or wish that time would hurry up, to get out of certain uncomfortable situations in my life! Either way, it really pains me, to live each day like it's my last! What a great way to live though, and how much more passionate would we be about everything! We would never say, let's wait until tomorrow! I do that a lot!!! I'll tell my guys at work, "let's call it a day, nice job, we'll finish it up tomorrow!" That statement makes me look like an awesome person to the guys who hear it, but why? Why is it cool to put things off? I mean, I understand you can't work your guys to the bone 24-7, and living each day like it's your last isn't practical in our society! That doesn't make it right, that we don't do it, though! Just a few thoughts that have been running through my head lately. I thank God for everyday that I'm alive, because life is precious, even though I hardly treat it that way on other's accounts! Is it wrong to not care whether you live or die? I have a lot to live for, but really it's not that important to me! Sometimes I feel bad for thinking that way, because my family would be devastated! Honestly though, besides those quick thoughts, I don't care. Going to Heaven sounds pretty good actually! I feel like it would be an easy way out though, and that seems weak to me! I really don't care either way, but would feel like a failure, to die, because there are still people in this world that are suffering! I've actually seen people beg for death every single day! It's indescribable... What misery and daily pain they must face, to have that attitude! I guess after my first visit to Africa, I had this burning for these people, a burning sensation that I can't describe! Every time after that, which unfortunately I could never visit the same place twice, I saw the same things, and my feelings grew stronger! There will never be closure to this, until I pass on...

Wow... my thoughts have been all over the place! I'm in a great mood, just in deep thought! I'm going to end here... I'm all over the place, and don't want to rant any longer :):) I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Here's some advice I get from Kara, every single weekend... "Have fun, and don't do anything stupid!!" Right back at ya! Until next time...

Exhausted!

2008-01-31T19:25:00.000-05:00

Sooo... I'm going on 4 hours of sleep in 2 days. I'm writing this in pure frustration, only as a means of venting, sorta! Anyway, I got into my hotel room around 2am, and got ready for bed. It was like 20 degrees in the room when I first walked in, so I turned the heat on! I guess I take for granted that most heaters have a thermostat, and when you set the temperature, when reached, it will shut off! I fell asleep right away, nice and cozy... I have to say, I had the worst nightmares ever! I'm not going to go into detail, because these dreams are so vivid, I think that they could happen, and it's frightening!!!! I woke up soaking wet in sweat, my sheets were soaked through, my hair was dripping, like I just got out of the shower and my room was about 100 degrees! The heater never shut off!! I got up, turned the shower on cold, threw up in the toilet, washed off and got into the other bed in my room, and slept for about 45 minutes, until it was time to get up for real and get ready! I have these issues with dreams... Whenever I make a decision like I made the other day, to change my life for the good, to chase after God, I start having horrible nightmares! Unfortunately I have seen people die, and have seen my teammates pass on as well! I have these dreams and they are all here, and it is so vivid, that I have to convince myself it was just a dream! I have demonic dreams, pure evil, where I wake up choking, trying to say the name of Christ! It is so discouraging, and me being exhausted doesn't help emotionally either! I'm so fed up with hitting roadblocks every time I turn in a new direction! I'm just ANGRY right now, I mean really ticked off!!!! That is all I have to say!

On a much better, quicker note... My newly found friend Hannah, has discovered a passion and goal for her future! You should check out her blogs! I'm so pumped for her!! That is the only bright spot in my day, is knowing she is striving toward something so amazing, I can't even put it into words! God is awesome!!

GET UP, YOU'RE LATE!!

2008-01-30T09:07:00.000-05:00

Sooo... I made a pretty important decision in my life, one that I've made before, but this time I have to get it together! Why does it seem like my Christian life is a roller coaster ride? Well, probably because it is! I've heard that analogy used my entire life at MHCC, "you're going to have the highs, and the lows" Why does it have to be like that? Anyway, I've decided to make a difference, to go out against the tide... I'm not quite sure what that means, but I've been struggling with it for a while now! Hannah's vision of me fighting and struggling with myself is me "punching myself in the face!!" :D I found that pretty humorous, because I had never thought about it like that, and it's a pretty amusing image! :):) I've decided to give that to God, and to see what comes of it! If God wants me to go off to some third world country again, then I'll do it! have you ever been in a fight, or wrestled someone until both of you just couldn't move? That's how my spirit feels right now, heavy and tired, because like an idiot, I've been fighting a losing battle! My life feels like this camp fire circle, dried up and empty!

The glory of God is man fully alive. -SAINT IRENAEUS

I love John Eldridge!!! His books have gotten me through some very difficult times and questions that I've had in the recent past! I own, I think, every book he has written... Unfortunately, I have not read all of them! Last night as I was "punching myself in the face;)" I remembered that I had taken one of his books off the shelf to start reading it, but never did! I got out of bed, stumbled through the living room, and found it on the coffee table. It was the book, Waking the Dead! I only got to page 15 before I fell asleep, but what an insight I gained! Truths that have been in the Bible, things I've read thousands of times, and never knew what they meant fully, because the interpretation of most teachers, is the same thing! I've never heard it this way before, and it's amazing!! Eternal Life, to spend eternity with God after this life , what an amazing thing!! NO! Eternal life isn't a retirement fund!! It's eternal, which means it start the minute you accept Christ! It's not a contract that starts after you fumble and stumble your way through this life!! To think that Eternal life begins immediately, that's a whole new concept for me! Maybe I missed something in teaching all these years, but I don' think so! "In him was life and that life was the light of men" John 1:4 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

These verses go on and on! I have so many thoughts going through my head, I can't focus them into comprehensive writings! I'm no where near the real findings of this book, and I am optimistic for the next week or so, until I finish! I am excited, because my eternal life started years ago!! I'm sorry for wasting so much of it! I've been trying to be a good boy, living for God how I can, waiting for my eternal life to begin... I'm in awe right now, and I'm ready!! I'm sure I will have much more as I read through this! For now, I'm going to stop....

I leave for New Mexico tonight, and I'm already looking forward to getting back next friday! I hate being gone over the weekend, and I'm getting really sick of all this travel! Until Next Time!

Heaven

2008-01-29T13:04:00.001-05:00

Sooo... I was reading a blog by my good friend Kara, and she was talking about being truly happy, and maybe why we can't achieve it, is because God wants us to have something to look forward too when we get to Heaven. I gave my opinion in a very long winded manner, and it also caused me to think about Heaven again. I used to think about it a lot, and with the help of John Eldridge, came up with some very inspiring and awesome ideas of my own on it!! Like I told Kara, I think God did give us the ability for true happiness, but we forfeited it, when sin entered the world. This made me think of a parallel topic on Heaven! When Adam and Eve were living in the garden of Eden, they were living on a perfect world! As far as we know, no death, no sickness, an abundance of food, and peace with all creatures! Can it get any better then that? To wake up to a perfect day, never cold, always just right... To reach up in a tree and eat fruit that would satisfy completely, to never be thirsty! I can't imagine being able to explore for as long as my heart desired, in the presence of God and never get tired!! In my opinion, who's to say that Heaven won't be the exact place we're in, only perfect! I long for the day to be in God's presence 100% of the time, worshiping with every breath, never becoming tired, having a perfect body , bounding oceans, and climbing the worlds highest peaks, all before lunch! Heaven, to me, is a glimpse of this photo I took on a fly fishing trip in the mountains of NC a couple months ago! For about an hour I was at peace, miles from civilization and people, standing in the middle of a river waist high! The only sounds where of the cold rushing water, my line as it broke through the air, and wildlife moving through the woods on either side of me! If only I could have been standing next to God... I mean, I know I was in faith... But to actually be talking with Him, in what we mortals think of as a conversation, two sided! Asking God on a lighter note, "who really shot Kennedy?" :) There would be no small rainbow trout on my line, it would be the monster fish of my life every single time!! God would smile, put His hand on my shoulder and just say nice one! The images and feelings, the sights and sounds that enter my mind when I think of my love for the outdoors, I can't put them into words... That is Heaven to me, this world perfect again! Right now as I type, I wonder why something that's so dear to me, isn't enough motivation to live for God? It's pretty sad, and a helpless feeling!

2008-01-28T13:33:00.000-05:00

Sooo... I was going through my multitude of pictures today, because I have way more free time on my hands then I need!!! I think it's because I'm lazy, and instead of working out when I get home after work, I sit around and read and listen to music, and then become restless in my own mind! Anyway, I started reminiscing about the Lakota trip in minus 0 degree weather... I started to think about what a job it is, to even think about changing these peoples lives! It was chaotic, but what missions trip isn't? I was at peace the entire time, it was just overwhelming to put it mildly! You have a ton of people crammed in this hall, with a fire going for heat... You can see the weathered look on their faces from all the harsh winter's past. It's just cold, they look cold! To bring Christ to a people with a history that's deep rooted in multiple god's and spirits seems impossible, obviously I know it's not... The problem is, that they will continue to not help themselves until they accept Christ! For years they have taken handouts, they don't know how to do anything for themselves, nor do they want to... Granted, I met some great people there... A hard question to hear from the people was, "Why are you hear, why are you doing this?" It's almost heartbreaking! Where do you begin? How long will it take to solve this? Will it ever be solved? Why do good people for the most part have to suffer under the tyranny of other's? Where is the justice??? At this point, is where I become angry, this is where I want to brutally beat all that cause other's to suffer!! My heart goes out to those that are too weak to defend themselves... In a way I'm detached from the Lakota people, because in my opinion, there were more people demanding handouts then there were grateful... That doesn't matter though, because if we effected one person, then I'm happy, to save one life is an amazing thing! One life at a time!! Where my heart really goes out, is to the people of Africa!! The travesty of their situation and their plight is heart wrenching! again though, where do you begin? It's a political situation, and for the most part, can only be dealt with in an aggressive manner, one that has to do with combat. How far would you go, to save someone... To make sure that them and their families had food and medicine and were safe at night? It's a tough question for most, and one that most don't like to think about, much less answer. My answer... I would kill... That's a dilemma for me, is it wrong? I don't really care what mere men have to say, and I guess if I ever decided to do this, something I feel so strongly about, most would think it was questionable. I guess some fears, are my elders and peers... They will definitely think I've gone off of the deep end! Can one say that they believe it's God's Will for their lives, to possibly kill? I told you I needed therapy! ;)

Wow...

Fried Taters and Trout are good for the soul

2008-01-28T00:06:00.001-05:00

Sooo... Tonight was pretty interesting, I drank 2 cups of coffee, almost got to see a high school fight, and watched the longest skit-musical-whatever the heck it was, in my life! Anyway, now I'm wired, sitting here listening to Third Eye Blind writing in this blog! Well, it was crazy and I realized that high school and the problems haven't changed one bit! The scene that took place tonight was a chapter out of my own life, minus almost getting punched for stealing car keys... Well maybe ;) It's a rough world, and I saw someone really reaching out tonight, reaching out for friendship and acceptance! I also heard a lot of talk about over reaction and what not! To think that was me 10 years ago, man I feel old! I don't really know where I'm going with this whole thing, but it kind of got to me a little! I wish that I could make people see, that most problems aren't as big as they seem, and time heals everything! Then I also remember how someone my age now was telling me this back in the day, and I thought they were an idiot! Who do they think they are, they don't know what I'm going through!! Those were my words and thoughts! It's a helpless feeling to know that I have the solution to most of their pain, their fears, their confusions! To sit back and tell myself to back off, and let them go through it themselves, because that's the only way they can learn, to gain wisdom really. I wish that I could pass along all my knowledge of their near future and save them from the pain!!! I now realize what my good friend and bro JP went through with me, to a point anyway. Well, that's all I have... My brain is drained, but my body is up! have a good one.

Peacock

2008-01-26T21:38:00.001-05:00

Sooo... I've had a lot of great correspondence with really great people today!! I've been extremely encouraged! I was reading another one of my buddies blog this afternoon... His stuff is on Christianity and different issues and thoughts that he reflects back to the church and God in general, good stuff really! Anyway, he brought up a point that has been on my mind for years, it's a topic that "Christians" hate to discuss! He was talking about "c"hurch and "C"hurch... The little "c" is the church that most of us belong too, and what the world mainly sees. It's unfortunate, that we, who call ourselves "followers of Christ" are so quick to judge others! The big "C" is Christ's church... The church that accepts sinners, doesn't worry about small things like past sin, dress attire, and the likes. Don't get me wrong, I have a serious issue trusting people right off the street, but I try hard to not be like that, to show them an attitude of love and acceptance, because I think that is what Christ would do. As for the attire issue... I love when people dress up for church, but if it's not you, then don't! A lot of people say that you shouldn't dress up if that's not who you are... I say if you want to, then do it, even if you swing a hammer the rest of the week! DON'T look like a slob though, just to look like one, because you're a rebel! To me Christianity is a personnel relationship with God, hence me not referring to "religion" ! Religion is man made, it's a set of rules that men make up, because they think they know better! No drinking, no smoking, no music in church, don't wear a hat, whatever!!! I'm not condoning drinking or smoking, there are practical reasons not too... Lung cancer, stinking of an ash tray, drunkenness and the like! That's really all I need to hear! But... What if someone does these things? How do we treat them? In my experiences, not well! They're considered somewhat of an outcast, and that's sad! I believe my church, MHCC is working hard at changing that!! We're not perfect, no one is, but I truly believe that we're trying to get as far away from "religion" as possible!! It's done nothing good in the history of the church, yet people still flock to it!! I hope that along the way, of changing the world, my newly found influences will help make history by denouncing religion, and announcing Christ!!!

That is all...

Captain Awesome!

2008-01-26T00:26:00.000-05:00

Sooo... I think that's how I will start every blog, with Sooo.... Here it goes...

Sooo... I was incredibly busy at work this week! I mean almost to the point where it was overwhelming. Anyway, I survived of course, I also had quite a bit of free time in between meetings and what not. I was bored out of my mind so I started surfing myspace, which never happens. When I say surfing, I mean reading bulletin posts and everything, I never do that, NEVER! As I was surfing I ran across a bulletin, where a few people were promoting their blogs. A long story short, I visited their sites, read the blogs, and that's that! Amazingly, these younger folks have wisdom beyond their years!! The honesty I read, the pouring out of how they really feel, and what really scares them about life! I was highly impressed, and really proud of them taking control of their paths in life! I have been really down about this new generation and all the crap that I see in my travels! I have a completely new outlook on things now, knowing that these people are out there influencing their peers! It's awesome and I am so proud of them! They have great dreams, and with the right support and encouragement, I believe without a doubt these younger people can change our world for the better! I am encouraged by them, 2 in particular, to finish dreams that I have started, to feel again... To shave off some of these calluses and to pursue changing the world! I hope that I can strengthen my relationship with these younger folks, to be encouraged by them and maybe encourage them along the way however I can! I'm optimistic for the near future!!!

2008-01-23T11:07:00.000-05:00

So... I started this blog forever ago, and never posted anything! I thought I would start now, because sometimes it's good therapy! :) Anyway, I have these bouts with anger... I haven't figured it out completely, but sometimes it's good, and other times bad! Most of the time people tell me anger is not "God Like". Maybe they're right, and maybe they're not... Who knows! I do know that this "issue" I have, has helped me accomplish some amazing things and do a lot of good! Other times it has caused people grief and pain, sometimes that's a good thing though, especially if they needed it! I don't know, I just thought I'd throw that out there! I'm just waiting on God to show me how to use it in a good way! Maybe that's my problem, I'm waiting on God, instead of out there looking for Him! hmmmm... That's a topic for another day.