Busy, busy, busy!!!!!

Sooo... Things are in full swing and busier then ever! I feel like I don't know which way is up at this point, but as of last night, I exhaled, and followed my bubbles to get me upright again! Only those divers out there will get that little analogy. I'll explain it though... Sometimes when you're scuba diving you get disoriented, especially in open water when it's dark. You get what they call vertigo, which I experience often! It's a terrifying feeling and your whole world is spinning like crazy. Imagine being on a merry go round and someone is spinning you as fast as it will turn! In that process you lose situational awareness and can't tell if you're swimming up or down, so in most situations you find yourself swimming deeper into the abyss, which is not good! Swimming up isn't safe either, because normally its at an uncontrolled ascent... Anyway, the right answer it to calm down and exhale through your regulator and watch which way the bubbles go. That's the feeling, except you're underwater about 70ft! Anyway, the only cure for it, is to grab something and hold onto it and just stare directly into it... In open water, it's your dive partner. In life it's trusted Christian friends and most importantly God! I have definitely been feeling like that for about 2 weeks... I knew it was because my relationship with God was slacking. I used the excuse of being too tired, after "serving" him non stop with all of these activities that are going on. Everything I was telling the kids about how they have to perservere no matter what, I just wasn't doing! I was becoming a hypocrite in just a matter of a few weeks! I'm back on track now and I pray that I will stay there! I realized sitting in my office yesterday, that there is absolutely no way I can do any of this without God. It's just too much! I know in my heart that if I didn't know the truth, I would have quit everything yesterday afternoon, because it was just too much of a burden! Jesus was God, and He was and is God's son, but now I understand more then ever, why He went off to solitary places so often to pray and be with God! It's easy to over extend yourself, and I just never realized this until recently, because I never had this much responsibility before. It's ridiculously overwhelming, and just insane! That is, without God!! With God it's completely bareable, it's enjoyable, and really quite easy. I realize now, why people get burnt out so easily. It's not because they do to much, it's because they're not doing enough! In the military, it's the sacrifice of a few for the greater good of many! That's a noble way to look at it, when you're talking about the defense of a nation, and it's completely true. However, we've adopted this into the church. It's crazy people!! It's a crap excuse! I know that you're thinking, "oh here John goes with his ranting and raving!" but seriously, am I wrong? Okay, maybe I'm not sensitive in saying what I think, but sensitivity in the truth is kind of pointless. It leaves room for excuses! There are certain situations where it can be used, but those are far and few in between. What's wrong with telling someone diectly to their face that they're screwed up! Who cares if they get upset!! As long as you are still loving them, and doing it to correct them, what's wrong with that?? I'm sure most would say nothing is wrong with that, so my response is why aren't we doing it then? Why are a few people busting their butts, and everyone else is standing on the sidelines?! You know what one of the biggest insults to me is??? Well, I'll tell you! It's when someone comes up and says, "Thank you for what you are doing, I could never do that, it's just not my calling!" Are you freaking kidding me??? How do you know? It doesn't make any sense... In my mind I'm hearing, "thanks for what you're doing, and all the hard work you're putting in, it really takes a load of my shoulders, because I was feeling guilty for not doing jack crap! Now that you're doing it, I feel much better!" Granted, there are those that come up and say thanks, who are doing way more then I ever could, and it's a real blessing to have them say something like that to me, because honestly, who am I?? I'm nobody! I mean that too! I know most have the impression that I think I'm the worlds greatest thing since sliced bread! These are the people who sit back and judge, these are the ones who are so angry with themselves because they're weak! They see someone who is confident in themselves, and they want to tear that person down, that way they don't have to feel bad about themselves! To my limited knowledge the Bible doesn't say to take your time, figure things out, hang out for a while, and then if it feels good, get baptized, because that would be super cool of you... I'm pretty sure it says to REPENT and be baptized. This is just an example I'm using... Repent, to realize you are going in the wrong direction and turn around in changing! I' pretty sure that's a 180, not a 130 to 100 to 90 to 60 to 20 to 0...

Anyway, I'm not angry... I was just thinking about that on my drive to work this morning. I know change is supposedly coming with this "new vision" and all, I just don't understand why it has to take a whole sermon series to get 1 or 2 people to sign up to help out. You'd think there would be so many people willing to help, some would have to be turned away. I guess not, so I will just settle with the excuse of "that's just the way it is" By the way, that has to be the lamest thing I have ever heard!

Have a good one!

Dear Bopha

Dear Bopha:

These are tough financial times, and working for $2 per day to help provide for your family is also really helping us here in the west. I thought I should write a quick note of thanks.

First some good news: Gas prices are lower. For a while it was getting scary. I was afraid I would have to sell my SUV! That would have been hard on us (it would have taken days to clean all the stuff out the back). Now that oil prices have gone down, your mom should be able to buy the ½ cup of cooking oil you’ve been doing without for so long. This means she will be able to cook a meal every once in a while for your family. Cheap oil is a great blessing to us all, isn’t it? You can cook, and I can continue driving at 15 miles per gallon.

I know the amount you’ve been getting paid has been dropping like a stone lately. This stupid credit crunch is freezing everyone up from buying things right now. I guess part of the problem is debt. I should know. I have four credit cards maxed to the limit. Plasma TVs are really expensive here - it’s unbelievable how much they want for a 50″ screen! Since I didn’t want to put more on my credit cards, I was forced to take out a second mortgage on my home so I could buy the boat. This was unavoidable. Although we can only use it only a few months out of the year here in Wisconsin it was something my family felt we really could not do without. As you look at the attached photo I think you will see why. Isn’t it beautiful?

So anywho, all this borrowing seems to played a role in freezing money up in a serious way. Therefore, it is all the more important that you keep working twelve hour days for so little. We are all doing what we can. I realize the cost of rice has risen above your ability to pay. But let me tell you, my family and I are standing in solidarity with you. You will be glad to know that I have started buying the cheaper coffee to cut down on our grocery bill. This is sort of funny in a way because I’ve had to stop buying fairly traded stuff. The bright side is that this should help your friends, as I know their employers do not believe in fair trade.

The really scary part is that the money I had invested in emerging markets like Darfur is now only worth half of what it was last year at this time. Believe you me … you are fortunate your family has no savings.

So, I thought I’d write this little note encouraging you to keep working so I can get some good stuff for Christmas this year.

Gratefully,
Your Friend in America

P.S. Sorry to hear about your sister being sold into the brothel, but it’s wonderful that your mom can now get the medicine she needs. Once she starts working again and your dad stops drinking, your situation could really start looking up.

Author Bio: Scott Bessenecker is the Director of Global Projects for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. One of his incredible privileges is standing alongside young men and women who have left affluence to seek Christ among the poorest of the poor.

I thought this was amazing!! I was reading Dennis' blog and saw this in the Sunday seven. Anyway, I couldn't agree more with the satire! I think this hits home more then ever, and especially after the past 2 days at camp spent doing the 30hr famine. I was really encouraged this weekend, by the conviction that the junior high kids and some of the highschoolers felt after this weekend... I'm proud of them also!! I didn't get to spend that much time with the high school group, but I saw Shelby Hickle with her parents last night, and she had a sponsorship packet from World Vision! I was VERY impressed and inspired! Not only was there a conviction, but an action afterwards! Putting faith into action, no other words need to follow! I know of other high schoolers that have already been sponsoring a child on their own, and that is amazing as well!! As far as the junior high class... Wow! 5 kids decided to sponsor 2 kids together... The really cool thing about that, is they made it a class project with the confidence that everyone else would get on board and with the extra money raised outside of that at the end of the year would use it in the 1 Life Revolution project to buy goats and chickens and what not! BUT... Even if the rest of the class did not get on board, their decision was to take responsibility and endure the 60.00 a month cost themselves. That is a really cool and selfless act for 6th, 7th, and 8th graders! Something else that has really hit home the past couple of months, is that Christ calls us ALL to be disciples, to go out into the world and make disciples of all nations! He does not call "some" of us to do that... It's not okay to think that! It's not okay to think that your calling is to attend church a couple times a week and tithe 10% and support those "disciples" who feel lead to do such things. It's just not true, it's wrong!!

Sooo... Some people have questioned my last blog post... You know, I was just letting out some aggression in a mix of sarcasm and seriousness. I apologize for any misconceived notions that may have been formed after reading that. I'm not saying that I won't do it again sometime, but hey, it's my blog right?

Have a good one!

tired

So, this is going to be short and sweet... I'm feeling kind of burnt out as of lately. Maybe that's why I'm in the mood I'm currently in. Anyway, there has been some things going on lately... These things don't make me happy at all. You know who you are, and that's all I'm going to say about that... Here's some advice... You ready for this??? I'm sick of it! It stops now, or I'm going to make your life a living nightmare! I think a nice way for me to say this is... If I have to deal with this issue again, I'm going to rip your arms off and beat you to death with them!! I honestly could care less about the consequences of violent action!

Wow, that felt great!

Well, have a good one!

God is Good!!

Sooo... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I've really started meditating on God's word a whole lot more lately, and am actually seeing the benefits from that. It's weird, and a real "mystery" :) how when you come upon different difficult situations in your life, God speaks to you through scripture that you have read and thought about. That's happened twice this week already. JP got these books for the high school and junior high classes, the book is called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Chan is the minister of a very large church out in Simi Valley, CA. His ideas are amazing, but more so, because probably 40% of the book is direct scripture. After watching one of his videos online, I actually found myself on my knees in my office at work praying. I feel like my life is changing dramatically for the good, and I'm really trying to let God take over every aspect of my thoughts. That's my biggest issue, what goes on inside of me... I'm messed up, and I'll be the first to admit that... Now that I've realized how much, it's extremely painful to invite God into those parts and fix it. Mainly because even though He already knows what's in there, I'm ashamed that I've even tried to hide those things from Him. I've found that I'm more emotional in front of God, and honestly I hurt more now. In a way I think it's because a lot has been going on family and friend wise with deaths, sicknesses and a friend who is probably going to be dead before the end of this week. It's bitter sweet... All of this happened on my way to TCTC, and more news came down over the weekend. In spite of all of those events, the weekend was amazing, and more so the time I was able to reflect and be in God's presence. On top of all of that, 3 people got baptized in the pool at the hotel, one more on Sunday night, and two more within the next week or so! All of them were in junior high except for one. I'm at a loss for words, and all I can do is praise God for everything that happened this past weekend. I'm so excited for this upcoming book study... My prayer is that in the end, the kids will desire to have a personal relationship with God. A desire to read His word. A desire to talk with Him constantly. Finally, a desire to be the city on a hill! Things are hard right now, and that is no understatement! The really crazy thing about it all, is that I'm thankful, and not depressed. I've never experienced gratitude in a time of trouble. The world says that I have every right to be down and depressed and even do things that are out of the norm and it's okay, because I need a release. Maybe a few years ago I would have taken that advice, but I don't want any of that. I want to thank God, and I want to talk with Him. My true desire right now, in this moment, is that I could see Him physically. That maybe He could put His arm around me and just hang out for a little while. With all of that being said, I'm happy... I don't know where any of this is going... It's pretty exciting actually! I know that for the time being, nothing else matters. I still have a long way to go, but I want to do what I can, to make what ever kind of difference that I can make in my short insignificant time on this earth. I want to continually be grateful for whatever part that I am to play, and am truly remorseful for all the time I've wasted thus far.

God is good!

Until next time...

Rehab is for quitters

MAN! These past couple weeks have been out of control... Sometimes in a good way, others in just a really crappy way. I'm sitting here typing, and my thoughts are everywhere but focused. This Christmas was pretty much depressing! I have to say that I had a great time at my dad's and it was just relaxing. It was what I was hoping the entire season was going to be like. I'm very grateful for the time I had with my family, and that's what I'm trying to focus on. It's hard though, because in the back drop of it all, was my grandmother, who was just miserable. It's really a terrible feeling seeing someone in such pain and discomfort and not being able to do a thing about it. It did keep everything in perspective as far as relying on God a whole lot. I bet I drove back and fourth from Knoxville at lease twice a day for those two days. While I was praying at the candle light service I just about fell asleep. Work is non stop and difficult at this point in time... I like the work, but I feel like that's all I've been doing lately. As soon as I get home from work, I turn the computer on, check my outlook e-mail, make some work phone calls, and continue to work for a couple more hours. I've really been lacking on running. I'm luck to get in more then 2 days a week, and so in those 2 days I have to run 8 miles or more to keep in shape. The whole time I'm running I'm thinking about how many e-mails I'll have when I get back. Sometimes there are none, and others a whole lot. I know this sounds like complaining, and in a way it is I suppose... What it brings me back to, is thankfulness for a job! In another way, it makes me go back to my thinking of "this isn't what life's about!" I've been working really hard on looking at things from a blessed and grateful point of view every time a concern or problem arises. I start to get down about my grandmother and then thank God for the healing he's already provided and the time I get to spend with her. It's definitely still a work in progress, but one that I want to achieve.

I've been talking to the junior high kids about being faithful. I've had to search deep, because when I started thinking about points and lesson views I realized that I'm not all that faithful myself. It scared me, and in return I taught a lesson that was kind of frightening in itself, because I questioned everyone's faith. I love those kids though, and sometimes I come off really hard on them in the discipline arena, but it's because I want them to be better. Some of them actually look up to me, and I'm not sure I like that. Who am I, to be an example to these guys? It's hard... It's as hard as giving the communion meditation. You talk about an unworthy feeling, I had it! It's a big deal leading people into the remembrance of Christ and serving communion, an honor no doubt! Some look at it as a chore, and a pain... I guess I can see where they are coming from, but in all reality it's a privledge and something that is pretty darn serious. I'm not sure that I'm cut out for this teaching thing... The more I do it, the more I feel like a hypocrite. Maybe God is using this to show me where my so easily overlooked faults and problems are. It's working!

Well, I'm exhausted! I'm going to take a nap like an old guy, before church tonight. You lose your edge for 1 minute with those guys and they'll have you hog tied before you know it :D

Until next time...
chow

Merry Christmas!! ... Or Happy Holidays?

Sooo... I called my insurance company yesterday to confirm my change of address, and of course they were extremely nice. Mainly because it's through USAA which mainly serves the military. Anyway, at the end of the phone call they wished me a Happy Holiday, being government PC and all. It went like this... "Seargent Hill, is there anything I can do for you further, to make your evening more enjoyable?" I said, "no". She said, "Well, I would like to wish you and your family a Happy Holiday!" For one, they still call me by my rank, which I've been out now for three years. I guess it's something they just do. I proceeded to say that in my neck of the woods we still say Merry Christmas, and she just laughed... She then told me that I of all people know why they have to say Happy Holidays, but thanked me for not bowing down to the almighty PC. :) I thought that was pretty funny, but annoying none the less. It's kind of a crummy feeling to know that our nation under God, indevisible etc. etc... is no longer under God, and has been divided right down the center. This Happy Holidays thing started while I was in the military, at least the government mandated pc portion of it anyway. It always made me second guess my whole attitude of service... I spent the better part of 7 years defending a nation of self serving, unappreciative.... I'll stop there in my description, before I say something that may offend someone. The fact that people have the audacity here in the states to make a rule about having Christ in any word is really appauling. I was home for 1 Christmas, and 1 Thanksgiving in all of those years... When I did come home after that time, I found that Christmas had been turned into a frenzy of angry people fighting over things that frankly didn't even matter. Don't get me wrong... I like recieving gifts, but Christmas is more then that to me. It's a reminder now, off all the lost times and sattelite phone calls made from distant lands to my family on Christmas Eve. I'm truly thankful for this time of year, and even more so now! I could honestly care less if I get any gift at all, and I truly mean that. I wish that I could spend tons and tons of money on my family to show my appreciation for them, and get nothing in return. The budget is tight this year and a lot of families are feeling the strain and stress of providing gifts. Is it not enough that everyone is alive and healthy. By the way... Why do we get gifts anyway? I mean, Christ was born, and some how I get a gift for that. It's kind of like how I work, and then someone else reaps the benifits of all the taxes I pay in, when they had to do nothing at all... I won't go into that, that's a whole other blog. I'm thankful for my amazing family, and the time that I will get to spend with them... I'm thankful for the great paying job I have, that is affording me the opportunity to get out of debt, so that I can have lots of extra cash to try and do some good for people, I'm thankful for an amazing church family as well! God has blessed me with all of these things and I very rarely sit down and thank Him for something that I absolutely do not deserve. Roderick, the little boy I sponsor through World Vision, who lives in Uganda... What is he going to be doing on Christmas? Imagine that I have all of these things to be thankful for, which are amazing things... What is he saying? Is he saying that he is greatful for the measly thirty five dollars a month that he gets... You can't even fill your vehicle up for that, and yet it provides 3 square meals a day, medicine, clothing and education for this young man, for an entire month! I'm just at a loss for words right now... I'm ashamed. I read on the prayer requests that Phil Canafax just got riddled with shrapnel the other day, and at the same time saved his buddies arm by performing emergency medical care on him... Why does he do what he does? Why is he going to be pulling shrapnel out of his body for the next few years and especially on Christmas? It's hard to say that it's for love of God and country, because we're a PC nation now and that's not correct. Everyone has a different answer, but I think that you'll find most of the time, the answer is so that "you don't have to" Who else is going to do it? When you're out and about this time of year, frustrated about the idiot drivers and the unfriendly clerks, stop and think about what it could be like. Thank God that there are people out there allowing you the ability to be complaining in that moment, and most of all thank God that you are still around, that you are able to go home to a warm place with a Christmas tree and hug your loved ones!

Merry Christmas everyone!! God Bless!!

"Specializing in outdoor adventure gear"

Sooo... Things have been fast paced and slow going, that makes a lot of sense right?! These past 2 weeks have absolutely flown by, but the days are long... My grandmother isn't doing well at all, and her doctor's appointment is on Monday, the 15th. She's pretty much going to be in a wheel chair, because it pains her so much to walk now. To think that 2 weeks ago everything was fine. I just don't get it, and hopefully the docs will have some answers. My dad was right though, the older you get, the more people that you see die. A co-worker of mine, Jim Clark passed away while I was in Denver... He found out he had Pancreatic cancer, and 2 weeks later he was dead... I saw him the Friday before I left and everything was fine and he was normal as ever. I got back from Denver and the next day dear friends of mine lost their son in a boating accident, and they still haven't found his body. Brandon was a senior this year, but that's all down the tubes now. You know, it's just been a crazy month and it's made me think a whole lot. I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, except that I need some sort of escape from the craziness that has been going on.

On a lighter note, I have my annual tacky sweater Christmas party, and I'm highly looking forward to that on Saturday... It's always so much fun, and my friends are amazing people! Michael L. and I were talking 2 nights ago, and decided we were going to drive to Colorado, along with Frank for about 6 days. We're going to go back packing and just have a guys get away for some rejuvination spiritually! We made a pact to do something every year, covering the globe slowly and taking a different adventure each time... We're going to write a journal for each trip, and keep a video log as well. I wrote John Elderedge an e-mail, since he lives in Colorado Springs, end goal is to try and meet up with him and talk for a little bit! He is someone that has changed our lives through his writing for years! We'll see what comes of it, I hope something amazing :) That's pretty much the highlight of what I'm looking forward to this coming year of 2009. Of course there is the missions trip in June back to Lakota, but I'm having my own reservations about that. I think some things need to be brought up and some other things change before I can make a decision about going. I'm not being pessimistic, and am really looking forward to it... I think it's just some internal issues that are going on.

Things are on there way to looking up, and there has always been light at the end of the tunnel, but this particular section during a time of year that things should be "merry" has been rather dark and gloomy. That's the adventure of life I suppose. You take the good with the bad, and thank God every morning for a new start and chance to move on and try again to get things right.

Have I ever told you how much I HATE politics and political discussions? Well, I do :) I just thought I would throw that in there, because I'm desperately sick of the discussion on Obama and the rest of the pathetic political realm that they call advisors. Does it really matter? Would our country be any different if someone else were elected? It's doubtful... But what do I know right?? I'm just another sucker paying for some free loader to live the American Dream. If everyone did their part, then none of this crap would have ever happened... You know, all the people doing the majority of the complaining, couldn't survive in an actual Republic, because they wouldn't be able to pull their own weight. Heck, I bet most people don't even know what a Republic is.... I heard a nasty rumor, and that's probably all it is, that they're teaching the United States is a Democracy... It wouldn't surprise me, but I can't say it's a fact either. I was listening to a conversation last night about someone who was shocked to find out that during the pledge of allegiance, they had their wrong hand over the wrong side of their chest. It was humerous to listen to, but upset me at the same time. Kind of a slap in the face... Another kid a few months ago informed me that I should have done better in highschool, then I wouldn't have had to join the military where all the stupid people go. That was probably the most ignorant statement that I've ever heard and actually felt sorry for how stupid he was, and then realized his parents had failed him miserably. Anyway, in a republic, everyone is proud and everyone knows what they stand for and for what... Greed gets in the way, and I suppose that's why there has never been a successful one to this date.

Anyway, I'll get off my soap box... I'm starting to sound like all those guys on talk radio that give me headache.

Until next time...

"Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? You've been out riding fences, for so long now!"